IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays more and more older people who need employment have to compete with younger people for the same jobs. What problems does this cause?What are the solutions?

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In recent years,
people
Use synonyms
 especially
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 struggle to compete with younger
people
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 for the same
job
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 positions. In
this
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 essay, I will examine the key factors behind
this
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 rising trend and propose some ways to address
this
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. There are basically two main factors that contribute
toward
Change preposition
to
show examples
employment
Correct article usage
the employment
show examples
 system. One major issue is the limited range of age
requirement
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requirements
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 in several
job
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 vacancies. Sometimes, there are some
people
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 who think about getting into
new
Correct article usage
a new
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 industry later, as some of them are trapped in their former company.
However
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, some of the
job
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 opportunities
is
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are
show examples
 limiting the age for future
candidate
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candidates
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,
for
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instance
Add a comma
instance,
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 as a
cilvil
Correct your spelling
civil
 servant, they have to work
fulltime
Correct your spelling
full-time
show examples
 which actually they could not easily resign in the middle of their duty.
Therefore
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this
Linking Words
 requirement actually could
make
Verb problem
cause
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elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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 to have unequal freedom and opportunity.
Furthermore
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, in the vast
technologival
Correct your spelling
technological
 advancements, companies demand their workers in intense
environment
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environments
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 and require them
adapt
Add the particle
to adapt
show examples
with
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to
show examples
 current technology development and innovation. As employers need to leverage their
softskills
Correct your spelling
skills
, companies just give the offer
for
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to
show examples
 younger generations, since they have better exposure
in
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to
show examples
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
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trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
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 knowledge.
Nevertheless
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, I believe that
this
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 trend could be tackled by several adjustments.
Firstly
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, older
people
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 can enhance their personal specialization
into
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to
show examples
professional
Correct article usage
a professional
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level
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levels
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,
such
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 as
join
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joining
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 some practical training or
pursue
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pursuing
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higher
Add an article
a higher
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 degree, since numerous
of
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apply
show examples
vacancies are required
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people
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for people
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 who have better
experiences
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experience
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 and
knowledges
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knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
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.
Moreover
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, since older
people
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had gain
Wrong verb form
have gained
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 their leadership and
entrepreuneurial
Correct your spelling
entrepreneurial
 skills, they could
running
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run
be running
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 their own
business
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businesses
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, so they can have more leisure time and freedom
creating
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to create
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 their ownself company. In conclusion, it is quite unfair when
people
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 do not have the same opportunity to get the
job
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 that they want.
While
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 some employers
are requiring
Wrong verb form
require
show examples
 younger
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
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 since they have
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 exposure
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology advancement,
this
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 can
be note
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be noted
show examples
 for
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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 to always improve their personal development and it will be better for them to
running
Wrong verb form
run
show examples
 their own company, so they can open wider
job
Use synonyms
 vacancies.

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Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing the problems and proposing solutions, though more specific examples would strengthen the argument. Aim to provide concrete examples or case studies to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
While the essay has a logical structure, there are occasional coherence issues and awkward phraseology that can obscure the author's points. Work on clearer transitions and ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and conclusion, which help guide the reader. However, the introduction could be more explicit about the specific problems and solutions that will be discussed. This would make the essay's structure clearer from the start.
Task Achievement
The essay clearly attempts to address both parts of the prompt: the problems older people face in employment and the possible solutions.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion help frame the essay, providing a starting point and a wrap-up.
Task Achievement
The essay shows an understanding of the necessity to continuously improve and adapt, highlighting lifelong learning as a solution.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Intergenerational competition
  • Age discrimination
  • Adaptability
  • Hiring practices
  • Workforce diversity
  • Upskilling
  • Lifelong learning
  • Flexible working arrangements
  • Ageism
  • Technological proficiency
  • Productivity concerns
  • Diverse skillsets
  • Legislative protection
  • Employment equity
  • Biases
What to do next:
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