IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some educators believe that every child should be taught how to play a musical instrument. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#educators #child #instrument
In recent years, in many schools, musical instruments have been compulsory subjects. Personally, I completely agree with the tremendous boons of
this
lessons
Fix the agreement mistake
lesson
show examples
; there are two major reasons and
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 will
be illustrates
Change the verb form
be illustrated
show examples
 in the following paragraph: First and foremost, music instrument curriculums improve children’s health. In the physical, music tools enhance
Correct article usage
the lung’s
show examples
lung’s
Change noun form
lung
show examples
 capacity that
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
efficiency
Add an article
the efficiency
show examples
 of
respiratory
Correct article usage
the respiratory
show examples
 and circulatory systems.
For instance
, when students play
oboe
Change the article
the oboe
show examples
, they need to blow the wind to produce the desired sounds.
As a result
, the lung is exercised and the body system sufficiently gains oxygen and blood flow–leading to healthier.
Moreover
, it eliminates the risk of attention disorder. When students enjoy playing the music equipment
that
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 develops their concentration to be capable of taking something
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a long time. It provides foster attention to children and improves their performance in other classes.
Second,
musical subjects encourage soft
skills
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the younger generation to be transferable in their life. When children play the song, they need to do various tasks at the same time.
For example
, students need to use their hands and legs in different ways to play the drums
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
enhance
Correct subject-verb agreement
enhances
show examples
 their
multitask
Replace the word
multitasking
show examples
skills
 and they can apply
to employ
Verb problem
them
show examples
 when they study;
in addition
, many musical instruments will be more fun if played with a group. To be successful, the youngsters need to communicate with teams which leads to developing their discussion
skills
. As I mentioned, there are plenty of advantages provided by the musical instruments classes. Especially, improve youngster’s health and encourage life
skills
.
Thus
, schools should contain
this
 curriculum to require
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
.
Submitted by jeebjib14 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Revise for small grammatical errors and awkward phrasings to improve clarity.
task achievement
Ensure every argument is supported with strong, relevant examples to add depth to your points.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents clear arguments.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Solid use of specific points to support arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • educators
  • taught
  • play a musical instrument
  • benefits
  • cognitive skills
  • academic performance
  • physical coordination
  • motor skills
  • discipline
  • perseverance
  • express themselves
  • self-confidence
  • stress relief
  • relaxation
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • inclusivity
  • equal access
  • arts education
  • practical challenges
  • implementing
  • universal
  • balance
  • mandatory
  • academic subjects
What to do next:
Look at other essays: