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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many employers believe that good social skills are as important as good qualifications to succeed in a job, so they are employing people who are with good social skills. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#employers #skills #qualifications #job #people
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In our time old
people
 need to
work
 harder to compete with young
people
 in the exact jobs, which makes old
people
 get more tired and makes their lives more difficult, we need to allocate some kind of
work
 for the elderly. The oldest in
this
 period need to
work
 for many reasons they need the
work
 as much as we do,
however
, it is unfortunate that we make it hard for them and we compete with young
people
, they have much-unstrung bodies and for
this
, if they should not
work
 hardly as the youngest, and it is unfair to them as well, because they will lose their jobs and
this
 will lead them to sickness,
for example
, a study in Harvard showed that the more difficult was the
work
 for old
people
 the more they become close to sadness. The simple solution to
this
 problem is basically to make a section in the company or the workplace for the elderly, and the department must contain
work
 appropriate to their competence, and it must be just for them, in
this
 way, we will solve the issue and we will do a moral thing for them,
for instance
, I read a newspaper showed some company have
this
 system and the company shows a successful in it. In conclusion, putting young and old
people
 on the same level is unmoral and unfair for both of them, it is supposed to make life easy for them and put in mind their age and the long time they lived and how hard it is hard for them to
work
 in a difficult job and
also
 it is hard as well to not have a job for them.
Submitted by ahmedaziz9811 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clarity and avoid repetition by being succinct and to the point. Some sentences are too wordy and might confuse the reader. For example, 'The oldest in this period need to work for many reasons they need the work as much as we do.' This could be made clearer and more concise.
coherence cohesion
Work on logical transitions between ideas to guide the reader smoothly through your arguments. Some transitions are abrupt and can break the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and data to support your points, which will strengthen your argument. The example from Harvard is a good start, but more details and sources would help to substantiate your claims.
task achievement
Ensure that your introduction properly outlines the main points you will discuss, and that your conclusion effectively summarizes those points and reinforces your argument. This will help structure your essay more coherently.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, main body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is a crucial component of a well-organized response.
task achievement
You have identified a specific problem and proposed a solution, demonstrating an understanding of the task asked. This indicates you have a comprehensive grasp of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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