IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Task 2 Many developed counties now have large numbers of people over the age 65 . What problems might this cause ? . How can the problems be solved

#counties #numbers #people #age
Nowadays, many developed countries are facing a serious problem. Most of its
populations
Fix the agreement mistake
population
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 is
people
 above the age
65
Change preposition
of 65
show examples
. It will cause several problems,
such
 as unproductive
citizens
 and the total number of productive
citizens
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
there is very low.
However
, there are some solutions that can be
considerations
Replace the word
considered
show examples
 like giving presents or rewards to
people
 to marry and birth
children
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to children
show examples
also
Correct word choice
and also
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encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
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people
 from outside
country
Correct article usage
the country
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 to live
at
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in
show examples
 that
country
. First things
first,
people
 over 65 years
are tend
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tend
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 to
doing
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do
show examples
 unproductive activities that
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 to national economy.
For example
, India has
total
Correct article usage
a total
show examples
populations
Fix the agreement mistake
population
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 as many as more than 1.4 billion but the
economics
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economic
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 productivity
at
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apply
show examples
there is not going well and the
country
 become poor. To solve
this
 problem, India's government can try to adopt South Korea's way. South Korea gives a lot of money
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
citizens
 if they want to marry and give birth
a
Change preposition
to a
show examples
child. As can be expected, the
economics
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economy
show examples
 in South Korea is running well now.
Secondly
, productive
citizens
 as economic drivers for
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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country
 have important roles
to sustain
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in sustaining
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 and
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
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 the national economy.
For instance
, in
China
Add a comma
China,
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 only 30 per cent
people
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of people
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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have productive ages and the rest
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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people
 with ages beyond 70.
As a result
, the economy
at
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apply
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there was
stagnanted
Correct your spelling
stagnant
stagnated
. To tackle
this
 issue, China can reflect
to
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on
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 Saudi Arabia. Saudi Arabia with its infinity
job
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of job
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 fields, successfully
attract
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attracts
show examples
people
 to work
at
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apply
show examples
there. By
this
, the
productive
Correct quantifier usage
number of productive
show examples
citizens
 will be increased. It has been clear that giving money and importing
people
 have a great impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
economics
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economic
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 growth to
facing
Wrong verb form
face
show examples
 possible problems that might derive from unproductive ages. Hopefully,
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 solutions can be put into
actions
Fix the agreement mistake
action
show examples
.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the main issues of the aging population, but it lacks depth and detailed examples to support your arguments adequately. Try to provide more specific examples and elaborate on how these solutions could be practically implemented.
coherence cohesion
The structure can be improved by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details. Transition words and phrases can be used more effectively to link ideas between paragraphs.
general
Proofread for grammatical inconsistencies and improve sentence variety. Some sentences are overly long and complex, making them difficult to follow. Simplifying your sentence structures can help make your argument clearer.
task achievement
You have identified a relevant issue and proposed potential solutions, which shows an understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is good practice.
task achievement
You have attempted to provide examples to support your points, which is a good strategy to clarify your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic shift
  • ageing population
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • social security systems
  • economic dependency ratio
  • workforce participation
  • geriatric care
  • medical expenditure
  • pension sustainability
  • intergenerational support
  • elderly-friendly urban planning
  • longevity
  • age-related ailments
  • public health strategy
  • community engagement programs
What to do next:
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