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Band 5

Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smartphone

#people #part #time #smartphone
A significant number of individuals these days spend their leisure time on the phone. We live in a technological era, where every second person owns a mobile phone. In my opinion,
this
device
 can be used in multiple ways,
such
 as finding information fast.
However
, it can be a waste of time, because it contains games that
distruct
Correct your spelling
destroy
 people.
Firstly
, mobiles ease the life of individuals with the conducive help of the Internet, which is utterly used in looking up
for
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apply
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data immediately.
For instance
, the generations before us have not had the opportunity to open a
device
 and search on google the materials they
needed
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need
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. Back
then
, the only source of information was the library,where hundreds of books were available.
Secondly
, phones have an addictive structure that keeps you interested and
cause
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causes
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 health issues. Some individuals might cope with anxiety and depression after spending countless hours on their
device
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devices
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.
Moreover
, letting the youth be on their mobiles
an
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for an
show examples
 excessive amount of time
cand
Correct your spelling
can
show examples
 lead to eyesight loss or headaches.
Furthermore
,it isolates them from the outside world and makes them antisocial.
For example
, a child who is on their telephone daily , might end up wearing glasses from a young age and develop social anxiety.
To sum up
, phones have both positive and negative
effect
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effects
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. People should comprehend that smartphones are an unknown subject so far and it might cause problems that were never expected.
At the end
 of the day,
this
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these devices
show examples
device
 will always exist in our lives, because of the timeline we live in, but humanity should be cautious about the method of using them.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on each point to enhance the depth of your essay. This will provide more comprehensive ideas and possibly more relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that there is a smooth transition between paragraphs. This can be achieved by using linking words and phrases more effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and a strong conclusion, which effectively summarize the main points.
task achievement
You have addressed the task effectively by presenting both the positive and negative aspects of smartphone use in free time.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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