IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think technology development decreases crime, while the others believe it actually encourages crime. Discuss the both views and give your own opinion.

#people #technology #development #decreases #crime
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Nowadays, we live in a digital era with all its positive and negative trends. Most
of
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people believe that technological advancements have significantly decreased the total level of crime.
Whereas
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, the others declare it has actually encouraged criminal activity. In
this
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 essay,
the
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both viewpoints will be revealed. On one side, there are millions of examples
how
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of how
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 contemporary devices can help to solve criminal cases.
For instance
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, the widespread use of CCTVs has led to a significant increase in crime-solving rates. Speaking about burglary, it is logical that a burglar will think twice before
rubbing
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robbing
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 a house if they are aware of
video
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 surveillance nearby.
Also
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,
the
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modern
video
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 equipment helps with
the
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other crimes
such
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 as kidnapping.
For example
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, a kidnapper will unlikely commit the crime, if there are a lot of
video
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 cameras around.
As a result
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, parents no longer
warry
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worry
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 about their kids. The latter is rather actual
especially
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, especially
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 in backward countries. On the flip side of the coin, burglars and kidnappers tend to choose a place or building without CCTV, doing their crimes anonymously. Unfortunately, it is impossible to install the equipment everywhere.
Moreover
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,
video
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 surveillance can be turned off maliciously or the device may not work for some other reasons. The most dreadful sight,
however
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, is that internet fraudsters and hackers are thriving nowadays
to
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, to
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 say the least. It is worth noting that digital currency today is one of the most vulnerable things to be hacked.
Furthermore
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, hacking has become a pressing issue today even in developed countries let alone backward states. In conclusion,
although
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 contemporary equipment has probably led to a decline in various thefts and
the
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other serious criminal cases, some new sorts of fraudsters have appeared so far. Governments with security experts should work out a plan
how
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for how
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 to protect their citizens from online fraud. It is
also
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 not recommended for the police to utterly
relay
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rely
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 on
the
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technological advancements
such
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 as CCTV cameras etc.,
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instead
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instead,
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 they should not forget about the alternative piece of evidence.
Submitted by dulskywork on

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general
Avoid spelling and grammatical errors to improve readability, such as 'worry' instead of 'warry' and 'rely' instead of 'relay'.
task achievement
Ensure that examples provided are both relevant and specific. General advice is good but intertwining it with more solid real-life examples could elevate the essay to another level.
coherence and cohesion
Clarify the meaning of certain parts for better understanding. Phrases like 'the other serious criminal cases' could be more specific.
general
Improve paraphrasing to avoid repetition. Phrases like 'modern equipment' and 'contemporary devices' could be varied more to add richness to the text.
general
The introduction and conclusion provide a clear but general context and restate the issue, which helps in framing the argument effectively.
task achievement
The main points are adequately supported with examples, especially the use of CCTVs reducing crime rates and the potential harmful impact of hacking.
coherence and cohesion
Logical structure and flow are maintained throughout the essay, making it easy to follow the arguments presented.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • deterrent
  • surveillance
  • forensic science
  • cybercrime
  • data theft
  • anonymity
  • illicit activities
  • law enforcement
  • jurisdictions
  • crime prevention
What to do next:
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