As child obesity becomes a serious health issue in today’s society, some people feel that TV commercials advertising junk food aimed at kids should not be shown before 9pm. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?
Child obesity is one of the common
health
problems thesedays
, more and more Correct your spelling
these days
people
think that TV advertisments
about fast Correct your spelling
advertisements
advertisement
food
are the most effective factor and should not be shown before 9pm.
Obesity leads to many health
deseases
, so Correct your spelling
diseases
children
must pay attention about
their Change preposition
to
food
. In my point of view, TV commercials advertising unhealthy food
should not be shown at night due to
two reasons.
First of all, if those advertisements
became as
a part of our Change preposition
apply
life
, Fix the agreement mistake
lives
people
's health
will
be destroyed. In fact, Wrong verb form
would
children
suffer from some TV advertisements
about food
especially at night because dinner meal is not as main
as breakfast, so a big figure of Correct word choice
important
children
do not have dinner. However
, if those advertisements
became widespread, the health
would be worse and worse. Moreover
, there is a study published by King Saud University concluded that 85% of the
Correct article usage
apply
children
have side effects in their body
caused by Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
abesity
. Correct your spelling
obesity
As a result
, parents should be aware on
Change preposition
of
thier
Correct your spelling
their
children
's refreshments.
Secondly
, the offers that ought to persuade people
to pruchase
fast Correct your spelling
purchase
food
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
an
crucial factor. Many customers prefer to benefit from the offers Change the article
a
that
introduced by the Correct pronoun usage
apply
advertisements
. In addition
, the discount may be sedjuctive
, so individuals directly buy without thinking. Correct your spelling
seductive
For instance
, two months ago, i
was watching a movie and surprisingly Change the capitalization
I
i
Change the capitalization
I
beholded
an advertisement Correct your spelling
saw
about
junk Change preposition
for
food
, immediatly
, Correct your spelling
immediately
i
bought that product.
In conclusion, nowadays, Change the capitalization
I
children
are eating to
much junk Replace the word
too
food
because of the advertisements
which aim to attract people
to eat more unhealthy food
. In my opinion, i
believe that the government must prevent those bad sources of Change the capitalization
I
food
to be
sold.Change preposition
from being
Submitted by moha.aleid2017 on
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grammar
Ensure consistent use of verb tenses, article use, and plural forms. For example, 'those advertisements became' should be 'those advertisements become' and 'a big figure of children do not have dinner' should be 'a large number of children do not have dinner'.
task achievement
Expand on your points with more detailed explanations and provide more specific examples to support your arguments. Instead of saying '85% of the children have side effects', consider explaining what kind of side effects they experience.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Use linking words and phrases to improve cohesion. For example, use 'Additionally,' or 'Furthermore,' to connect ideas more smoothly.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear opinion on the issue and offers reasons to support the viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
Introduction introduces the topic well and the conclusion offers a summary of the opinion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example