IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

As child obesity becomes a serious health issue in today’s society, some people feel that TV commercials advertising junk food aimed at kids should not be shown before 9pm. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#child #obesity #health #today’s #society #people #tv #commercials #junk #food #kids #pm
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Child obesity is one of the common
health
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 problems
thesedays
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these days
, more and more
people
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 think that TV
advertisments
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advertisements
advertisement
 about fast
food
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 are the most effective factor and should not be shown before 9pm. Obesity leads to many
health
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deseases
Correct your spelling
diseases
, so
children
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 must pay attention
about
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to
show examples
 their
food
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. In my point of view, TV commercials advertising unhealthy
food
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 should not be shown at night
due to
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 two reasons. First of all, if those
advertisements
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 became
as
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apply
show examples
a part of our
life
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lives
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,
people
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's
health
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will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 be destroyed. In fact,
children
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 suffer from some TV
advertisements
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 about
food
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 especially at night because dinner meal is not as
main
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important
show examples
 as breakfast, so a big figure of
children
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 do not have dinner.
However
Linking Words
, if those
advertisements
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 became widespread, the
health
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 would be worse and worse.
Moreover
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, there is a study published by King Saud University concluded that 85% of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
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 have side effects in their
body
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bodies
show examples
 caused by
abesity
Correct your spelling
obesity
.
As a result
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, parents should be aware
on
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of
show examples
thier
Correct your spelling
their
children
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's refreshments.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the offers that ought to persuade
people
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 to
pruchase
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purchase
 fast
food
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
an
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a
show examples
 crucial factor. Many customers prefer to benefit from the offers
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
introduced by the
advertisements
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, the discount may be
sedjuctive
Correct your spelling
seductive
, so individuals directly buy without thinking.
For instance
Linking Words
, two months ago,
i
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I
show examples
 was watching a movie and surprisingly
i
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I
show examples
beholded
Correct your spelling
saw
 an advertisement
about
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for
show examples
 junk
food
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,
immediatly
Correct your spelling
immediately
,
i
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I
show examples
 bought that product. In conclusion, nowadays,
children
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 are eating
to
Replace the word
too
show examples
 much junk
food
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 because of the
advertisements
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 which aim to attract
people
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 to eat more unhealthy
food
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. In my opinion,
i
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I
show examples
 believe that the government must prevent those bad sources of
food
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to be
Change preposition
from being
show examples
 sold.
Submitted by moha.aleid2017 on

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grammar
Ensure consistent use of verb tenses, article use, and plural forms. For example, 'those advertisements became' should be 'those advertisements become' and 'a big figure of children do not have dinner' should be 'a large number of children do not have dinner'.
task achievement
Expand on your points with more detailed explanations and provide more specific examples to support your arguments. Instead of saying '85% of the children have side effects', consider explaining what kind of side effects they experience.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Use linking words and phrases to improve cohesion. For example, use 'Additionally,' or 'Furthermore,' to connect ideas more smoothly.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear opinion on the issue and offers reasons to support the viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
Introduction introduces the topic well and the conclusion offers a summary of the opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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