IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Modern technology now allows rapid and uncontrolled access to information in many countries. This is a danger to our societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#technology #access #information #countries #danger #societies
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, sophisticated technology has fostered
people
Use synonyms
 to have
access
Use synonyms
 to every detail. It is detrimental to our communities.I mostly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement,
however
Linking Words
 , to some extent, there are merits of having
access
Use synonyms
 to
information
Use synonyms
 which will be discussed in forthcoming paragraphs. To commence, being active on social media allows viewers to have knowledge about their favourite influencer's
information
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as their live location, house address, personal life, etc.
This
Linking Words
 leads criminals to act safely and use
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 against the individual.
For instance
Linking Words
, in 2017,
Indian
Correct article usage
the Indian
show examples
 Times newspaper showed a survey where 37% of the
people
Use synonyms
 were victims of
cyber crime
Correct your spelling
cybercrime
show examples
, as the personal details that were on their social media accounts were used as a scam.
Moreover
Linking Words
, teenagers are negatively influenced by
access
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
internet
Use synonyms
. Adult content available online for free of cost, and
access
Use synonyms
 without any age limit, hinders the growth of
intellectual
Correct article usage
the intellectual
show examples
 and cognitive side of children.
Thus
Linking Words
, an increase in sexual crime has been seen everywhere in the world.
For instance
Linking Words
, there
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
27
Correct article usage
a 27
show examples
% increment in juvenile delinquency since 2005, as per Stanford University. It is
due to
Linking Words
 the misleading content that leads adolescents in
wrong
Change the article
the wrong
show examples
 direction.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, hacking has affected societies adversely. Hackers scam
people
Use synonyms
 by gaining
access
Use synonyms
 to their bank accounts and by laundering online, even if they are continents apart. Uneducated
people
Use synonyms
 are unaware of existing cybercrimes,
thus
Linking Words
, they get trapped easily by phone calls, texts or emails.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
access
Use synonyms
 to the
internet
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 has some positive aspects
such
Linking Words
 as globalization and reduced racism.
Use synonyms
Internet
Add an article
The Internet
show examples
 has made trade and business easier, as there are more opportunities for
people
Use synonyms
 to invest online,
such
Linking Words
 as trading apps, online business meetings and collaborations.
Also
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 of different cultures and backgrounds gather together to work efficiently which has increased the good rapport between
people
Use synonyms
. In a nutshell, indubitably, there are advantages to accessing
information
Use synonyms
 online, but the
drawbackshave
Correct your spelling
drawbacks have
drawback shave
seen
Add a missing verb
been seen
show examples
 to be dominant in
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era.
Socieities
Correct your spelling
Societies
 battle more
cybercimes
Correct your spelling
cybercrimes
cyber crimes
and other problems than gaining benefits from the
internet
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by kkuljit014 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Your introduction is clear but would benefit from a more balanced statement. Consider adding a sentence that outlines the structure of your essay.
organization
Ensure that your paragraphs are more clearly separated. This enhances readability and organization greatly.
coherence
While your points are well-supported, try to integrate transitions within and between paragraphs to improve the flow of ideas.
task response
The essay addresses the topic well, providing a balanced perspective on the issues raised.
examples
Examples provided are relevant and help illustrate your points effectively.
conclusion
The conclusion effectively ties together the main points discussed in the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: