Modern technology now allows rapid and uncontrolled access to information in many countries. This is a danger to our societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, sophisticated technology has fostered
people
to have access
to every detail. It is detrimental to our communities.I mostly agree with this
statement, however
, to some extent, there are merits of having access
to information
which will be discussed in forthcoming paragraphs.
To commence, being active on social media allows viewers to have knowledge about their favourite influencer's information
such
as their live location, house address, personal life, etc. This
leads criminals to act safely and use this
information
against the individual.For instance
, in 2017, Indian
Times newspaper showed a survey where 37% of the Correct article usage
the Indian
people
were victims of cyber crime
, as the personal details that were on their social media accounts were used as a scam. Correct your spelling
cybercrime
Moreover
, teenagers are negatively influenced by access
of
the Change preposition
to
internet
. Adult content available online for free of cost, and access
without any age limit, hinders the growth of intellectual
and cognitive side of children. Correct article usage
the intellectual
Thus
, an increase in sexual crime has been seen everywhere in the world. For instance
, there is
Wrong verb form
has been
27
% increment in juvenile delinquency since 2005, as per Stanford University. It is Correct article usage
a 27
due to
the misleading content that leads adolescents in wrong
direction.
Change the article
the wrong
Furthermore
, hacking has affected societies adversely. Hackers scam people
by gaining access
to their bank accounts and by laundering online, even if they are continents apart. Uneducated people
are unaware of existing cybercrimes, thus
, they get trapped easily by phone calls, texts or emails. Nevertheless
, access
to the internet
also
has some positive aspects such
as globalization and reduced racism. Internet
has made trade and business easier, as there are more opportunities for Add an article
The Internet
people
to invest online, such
as trading apps, online business meetings and collaborations. Also
, people
of different cultures and backgrounds gather together to work efficiently which has
increased the good rapport between people
.
In a nutshell, indubitably, there are advantages to accessing information
online, but the drawbackshave
Correct your spelling
drawbacks have
drawback shave
seen
to be dominant in Add a missing verb
been seen
this
contemporary era. Socieities
battle more Correct your spelling
Societies
cybercimes
and other problems than gaining benefits from the Correct your spelling
cybercrimes
cyber crimes
internet
.Submitted by kkuljit014 on
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structure
Your introduction is clear but would benefit from a more balanced statement. Consider adding a sentence that outlines the structure of your essay.
organization
Ensure that your paragraphs are more clearly separated. This enhances readability and organization greatly.
coherence
While your points are well-supported, try to integrate transitions within and between paragraphs to improve the flow of ideas.
task response
The essay addresses the topic well, providing a balanced perspective on the issues raised.
examples
Examples provided are relevant and help illustrate your points effectively.
conclusion
The conclusion effectively ties together the main points discussed in the essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example