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Band 5

Some people think that illegal Internet downloads are having a negative effect on the music industry. Others feel that they have little or no impact on artists. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.'

#people #internet #downloads #effect #music #industry #impact #artists
A big issue currently concerning the
music
 industry is illegal downloading. Some people consider that unlawful internet downloads have a huge impact on
music
Add an article
the music
show examples
 market.
While
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 state that there is no damage caused to
artists
 or
music
Correct article usage
the music
show examples
 industry by internet
download
Fix the agreement mistake
downloads
show examples
. In my opinion, when
artists
 and musicians do not earn enough from their
work
 ,they will be less motivated to create new
music
. It is well known that
artists
 and musicians
work
 very hard to create new songs.In
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 they pay a lot of money for production companies and
music
producer
Fix the agreement mistake
producers
show examples
 to introduce new and
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
songs on the market.It can take
month
Add an article
a month
show examples
 to produce one song .
Artists
 often rely on income from their
music
 to sustain their careers.
For
this
reason
Add a comma
reason,
show examples
 they need to earn money to progress and to be motivated and follow their
work
 to keep it updated.
Furthermore
,free
downlaod
Correct your spelling
downloads
 might affect their
work
 because people may not be interested in buying their CDs if they have to pay for them
. .
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
As well as
 there must be a restriction for each
downloads
Change to a singular noun
download
show examples
 to respect copyright. On the other
hans
Correct your spelling
hand
, it is evident that technology has invaded
world
Add an article
the world
show examples
 and everybody uses the internet.
Consequently
 downloading could help musicians and
artists
 be more famous.Because of
this
, people would be able to listen to
music
 everywhere. If a song becomes widely shared, it can attract new fans who might not have discovered the artist
otherwise
.
To conclude
 ,even though there are some benefits to the artist of illegal downloading ,the drawbacks generally outweigh those benefits
Submitted by janejaspar on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, you could mention some statistics or specific cases where illegal downloads have impacted or not impacted musicians.
coherence cohesion
Be consistent with grammar and punctuation to maintain clarity. Ensure each sentence is clear and error-free to enhance understanding.
coherence cohesion
While the main ideas are clear, work on organizing them more logically. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main point and that they follow a logical sequence.
task achievement
The introduction clearly presents both sides of the argument and states your opinion.
task achievement
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates your stance on the issue.
coherence cohesion
There is a good attempt to discuss both views, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • illegal downloads
  • financial losses
  • record labels
  • decrease in sales
  • perception
  • undermine
  • upcoming artists
  • pirated
  • exposure
  • concert attendance
  • merchandise sales
  • alternative revenue streams
  • live performances
  • sponsorships
  • streaming platforms
  • business models
  • loyal fan base
  • adapt
  • mitigate
  • thrive
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