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Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones Why is the case? Do you think this is postive or negative developent?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #postive #developent
In the present day,
smartphones
 are used by
children
 every single day. The reasons behind
this
 situation,
along with
 both benefits and drawbacks will be discussed before the conclusion is reached.
To begin
 with, there are several reasons for the
increasing
Replace the word
increase
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 mobile
using
Replace the word
use
show examples
 in
children
. Entertainment media
accessing
Replace the word
access
show examples
 via mobile is the main key factor. Nowadays,
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
 video games can
play
Wrong verb form
be played
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
, becoming popular among
children
.
Additionally
, Social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram and Twitter have many varieties of interesting information from
today
Change noun form
today's
show examples
 world and provide
connection
Fix the agreement mistake
connections
show examples
 across
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
countries, drawing
attention
Add an article
the attention
show examples
 of young people from real-world.
However
, spending long
hour
Fix the agreement mistake
hours
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
smartphones
 shows some negative impacts. In very young
children
, especially
Correct pronoun usage
those young
show examples
young
Correct word choice
younger
show examples
 than
two-year-old
Correct your spelling
two years old
show examples
, allowing them to play
Change preposition
with smartphone
show examples
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 can delay development. Many studies provide valuable data that toddlers
those
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
playing with
smartphones
 or tablets have
significant
Change the word
significantly
show examples
 slower intellectual development and attention deficit. Mobile addiction is another major concern, attracting kids away from their school
lesson
Fix the agreement mistake
lessons
show examples
.
According to
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the positive side,
smartphones
 provide
wide
Add an article
a wide
show examples
 range of learning information from
mathematic
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mathematics
show examples
 to artistic lessons that have
colorful
Change the spelling
colourful
show examples
feature
Fix the agreement mistake
features
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 and
sound
Fix the agreement mistake
sounds
show examples
 which is more interesting than traditional books, making
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 a great tool for parents and teachers.
Moreover
, its function can be helpful when facing an emergency situation, by using a phone to call their parent or teacher. In conclusion, smartphone has many enjoyable features including video games and online social media platforms. Even there are some negative consequences
such
 as
delay
Replace the word
delayed
show examples
 development and addiction. I firmly believe that Its benefits are more vital and far outweigh
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
becoming an essential learning tool and being useful in emergency
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
.
Submitted by sippakorn.wet on

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task response
While the essay addresses the task and presents a clear position, it would benefit from more specific examples to support the main points. Elaborating on either real-world instances or hypothetical scenarios can strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying sentence structures to enhance readability and engagement. Additionally, make sure to proofread for minor errors in grammar and vocabulary to improve overall clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument.
task response
The writer addresses both the positive and negative aspects of children using smartphones, demonstrating a balanced perspective.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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