IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that government should invest in wildlife projects and protect them. Other people think it is better if government invests money in other projects. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In some
countries
Use synonyms
, military service is necessary for young men after they finish their education. All
countries
Use synonyms
 should
do
Verb problem
have
show examples
 the same system for men, maybe
women
Use synonyms
 as well. I completely disagree with the statement. I think the military should be an option because
people
Use synonyms
's lives depend on it.
First,
Linking Words
I think that
military
Correct article usage
the military
show examples
 should be a choice. It has its own risks, and not everyone wants to risk their lives. I believe that
people
Use synonyms
 who
got
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 their education in universities should not go to the military. Military will be a waste of time for them.
For example
Linking Words
, I do not want to go to the military, but in my
country
Add a comma
country,
show examples
 it's compulsory to go to the military for six months.
Although
Linking Words
 it is possible to decrease
this
Linking Words
 time to one month
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 paying ten thousand dollars.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it would be unethical to force
women
Use synonyms
 into the military; they are not physically capable.
Instead
Linking Words
 of forcing
women
Use synonyms
 into the military, it would be better to teach them another strategy in some war
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
. I believe that
countries
Use synonyms
 put these strict rules in place because of their population. Some
countries
Use synonyms
, like Israel,
also
Linking Words
 make
women
Use synonyms
 soldiers. I think it is about the number of
people
Use synonyms
 in Israel; ten million
people
Use synonyms
 in the country is not enough to have a large army.  In conclusion, I side with those who think
military
Add an article
the military
show examples
 should be a choice. Both
women
Use synonyms
 and men should decide whether they go to the military or not. You cannot expect great achievements with an army full of
people
Use synonyms
 who were forced to be in the military.

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task achievement
Your essay does address the topic and presents an opinion, but it tends to generalize, especially when discussing why military service should not be mandatory. Adding more balanced and detailed arguments would strengthen your position. For example, consider discussing some potential benefits of mandatory military service or provide more varied examples.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are presented logically, and the essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. However, some points lack sufficient support and explanation. Be sure to elaborate more on your main points to provide a more comprehensive discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This makes it easy to follow your argument.
task achievement
Your opinion is clearly stated and maintained throughout the essay, showing a clear stance on the issue.
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