These days, more and more people move away from the area where they were born and brought up when they become adults. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
It has become more common for countryside
people
to move to other places when they grow up. There are more disadvantages than advantages since they are more likely to suffer from isolation in an unfamiliar place regardless of some benefits to improve their lifestyles.
On the one hand, moving to other areas when people
grow up is advantageous as it can encourage them to have a different lifestyle, which can promote their health and happiness. In other words
, it can be a valuable opportunity for them to evaluate their traditional way of life and have diverse as well as
stimulating experiences. For example
, people
born in urban cities such
as Osaka and Tokyo can gain a more relaxing lifestyle when they move toCorrect article usage
the
such
as Hokkaido and Nagano, which are surrounded by ranges of mountains and rivers. Thus
, the feeling of anxiety and frustration they experience in crowded places will be mitigated, encouraging them to be more positive and satisfied in the changing environment.
On the other hand
, there are some negative side effects when settling in a foreign land due to
the lack of support from neighbours. Indeed, outsiders often find it hard to adapt to new surroundings because of differences in their cultures from languages to food. For instance
, people
born in Osaka are hardly able to understand a tongue spoken in Okinawa because of its distinctive accent and intonation, leading to their isolation. Consequently
, there would be a growing sense of reluctance to interact with others as they fear not making themselves understood.
In conclusion, the advantages of living in other places do not outweigh the disadvantages since new settlers often suffer from isolation as different cultures discourage them from communicating to understand each other. However
, it can also
be a significant chance for them to improve their lifestyles, surrounded by nature, which does not make people
feel as stressed as before.Submitted by mizuho on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
Aim to make your arguments more balanced by considering and addressing counterarguments or acknowledging both sides of the issue in more depth. This will strengthen your task response and make your essay more comprehensive.
task achievement
While your points are clear, they could be better substantiated with more varied and specific examples. Try to draw from a broader range of sources or contexts to validate your arguments more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow within and between paragraphs. Ensure that each idea naturally leads to the next, and use linking phrases more effectively to bridge ideas.
coherence cohesion
Develop your ideas more fully by elaborating on the points you make. This will enhance the coherence and make your argument more persuasive.
task achievement
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in understanding your main argument and wrapping up your ideas effectively.
coherence cohesion
You have structured your essay into paragraphs that each focus on a specific point, which helps in maintaining clarity and coherence.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?