Some children spend hours every day on smartphones? Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
There are several advantages
of
using Change preposition
to
phones
as well as
disadvantages. modern technologies can impact children
’s brain health. However
Add a comma
However,
children
are already addicted to smartphones. Although
children
have a lot of interests in their life
, they prefer to spend much of their free Fix the agreement mistake
lives
time
to
using Change preposition
apply
phones
. Therefore
many parents have to care their
Change preposition
for their
children
’s lifestyle
Currently
there are some Add a comma
Currently,
children
who are interested in using modern technologies. That is
good if they use their phones
as
a good way. Change preposition
in
For
example
some Add a comma
example,
children
always try to find new information on the internet
by using their phones
. They can get new ideas or advice with help
of Correct article usage
the help
Correct article usage
the internet
internet
. Capitalize word
Internet
Additionally
many parents always organise some courses for their Add a comma
Additionally,
children
. Thus
children
should use phones
during the course ,
Because it is the best way to achieve their small goals. Nowadays teachers often give homework to their Remove the comma
apply
pupil
on the Fix the agreement mistake
pupils
internet
and they must use Capitalize word
Internet
Add an article
the internet
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
while
they are doing homework or some kind of exercises
.
Using the Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
internet
has lots of disadvantages for children
. Because if children
waste much
Rephrase
too much
time
for
it , they cannot manage their Change preposition
on
time
. Also
they lose health and more immunes. Even parents are aware of Add a comma
Also,
negatives
of using much Correct article usage
the negatives
time
phones
, consequently
they always try to organise some courses and Add a comma
consequently,
sport
activities. Change the noun form
sports
Moreover
modern technologies are developing day by day and they can attract Add a comma
Moreover,
children
to play online games or watching
videos on Wrong verb form
watch
youtube
and Correct your spelling
YouTube
instagram
.
In conclusion, Change the capitalization
Instagram
children
should go outside to play games or physical activities. Because during
Correct word choice
During
play
some activities, they can make new friends and improve their speech and outlook. In my Verb problem
apply
opinion
it is going to Add a comma
opinion,
bad
Add a missing verb
be bad
,
if Remove the comma
apply
children
spend more time
on phones
. Correct pronoun usage
their phones
Children
should learn new information through reading books or newspapers, not phones
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coherence cohesion
Consider organizing your essay into clearer paragraphs with distinct ideas. For instance, have separate paragraphs for advantages, disadvantages, and personal opinion.
task achievement
Ensure examples provided are clearly linked and detailed. At times, the essay provided general ideas, but lacked depth in examples.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing each point fully before moving on to the next. This will improve both the coherence and the task achievement of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong and clear introductory and concluding paragraph, which adds structure to your essay.
task achievement
You have generally addressed the dual parts of the task: why children spend time on smartphones and your stance on whether this is positive or negative.
task achievement
Your essay shows an understanding of both advantageous and disadvantageous aspects of smartphone use by children.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example