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Band 5

Some people think that competition at work,at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more,rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #competition #work #school #life
As the contemporary world
developed
Wrong verb form
develops
show examples
, the debate between
competition
 and cooperation is a pivotal decision.
Although
 some individuals indicate that
competition
 can have some positive impact in peoples’ life,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that the benefit of
collaboration
fur
Correct your spelling
far
show examples
outweigh
Change the verb form
outweighs
show examples
 the
competition
. On the one hand, being competitive indeed
possess
Correct subject-verb agreement
possesses
show examples
 some benefits in daily life.
Firstly
, a suitable
competition
 environment will bring some promotions in our daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. When we
lived
Wrong verb form
live
show examples
 in
this
 high ratio of technology world, we
received
Wrong verb form
receive
show examples
 information immediately via social
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
 and it
would serve
Verb problem
creates
show examples
 a sense of
lazy
Replace the word
laziness
show examples
 among people. Competitions boost motivation and ambition, which help
workplace
Correct article usage
the workplace
show examples
 to have a good
develop
Replace the word
developed
show examples
 environment.
For example
, the grade sequence posed
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the classroom would give students a sense of
nervous
Replace the word
nervousness
show examples
, which
pushing
Wrong verb form
pushes
show examples
 them
work
Add the particle
to work
show examples
 harder.
Moreover
,
competition
 drives economic growth. Diverse companies live in the consumer market and
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
competition
 between them is extremely
furious
Correct word choice
fierce
show examples
, which
boost
Correct subject-verb agreement
boosts
show examples
 them to rebuild and innovate their productions to satisfy the requirements of guests.
However
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 would argue that the advantages offered by
collaboration
 can be considered more significant and meaningful.
To begin
 with, cooperating with others pulls the distance between individuals. As the
smart phone
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
universally
Add a missing verb
is universally
show examples
 used in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, people prefer to chat with friends and family through
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
instead
 of meeting face to face.
In contrast
 to
competition
,
collaboration
 helps people gather together and exchange different ideas, which
strengthen
Correct subject-verb agreement
strengthens
show examples
 the relationship between each other. But
competition
 will push away others
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a certain degree.
In addition
,
collaboration
promote
Change the verb form
promotes
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better development in society. Industries cooperate with other enterprises
allows
Wrong verb form
allowing
show examples
 information sharing and invent creative productions.
For example
, Cross
shoes
Capitalize word
Shoes
show examples
 cooperated with
Mcdonald’s
Correct your spelling
McDonald’s
show examples
 in their commodities which renewed shapes and styles, appealing
more
Change preposition
to more
show examples
 consumers to purchase the
productions
Replace the word
product
show examples
.
As a result
, it drives economic growth and consumption. In conclusion,
although
competition
 will bring some advantages, the benefits of
collaboration
 beyond it.
Submitted by fiasngs on

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coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the introduction could be improved by providing a clearer thesis statement. Additionally, it would benefit from a brief overview of the points that will be discussed in the body paragraphs.
task achievement
While the essay addresses both competition and cooperation, it could contain more specific and varied examples to strengthen the task achievement criteria. Including real-world examples would make the arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammatical issues and awkward phrasing, such as "fur outweigh" and "a sense of lazy." These small errors slightly detract from the clarity of ideas. Consider revising these for greater accuracy and fluency.
task achievement
The essay tends to make general statements about competition and cooperation. Bringing in more specific scenarios or studies to serve as evidence would make your points more compelling.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion succinctly reaffirms your stance, which provides a satisfying closure to the essay.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph has a clear main idea which is elaborated upon; this shows your ability to organize thoughts in a coherent manner.
task achievement
Good effort in discussing both sides of the argument, which is crucial for this type of essay prompt.
task achievement
The essay stays on topic and effectively addresses the prompt, demonstrating a thorough understanding of the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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