IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

•In some countries, school violence is becoming too common. What are some possible causes of this trend and solutions to it?

#•in #countries #school #violence #trend
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It is widely acknowledged that the issue of
school
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violence
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 is too general in contemporary nations and is growing at a startling rate. The problem is bringing a state of depression among the multitudes and in education.
This
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 paragraph will represent the possible grounds
of
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for
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this
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 problem, and potential remedies are
also
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 to be discussed and are listed below. In regards, there are several causes of
this
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 matter. One of the main consequences that can be characterized
as
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is
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 family carrying of
children
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. Nowadays, parents are too busy with their professional lives and unable to give quality time to
children
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.
As a result
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,
absence
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the absence
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 of
guardiancy
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guardian
guardians
 makes them arrogant and mentally depressed, which may create an arrogant tendency to
physical
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physically
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harassment of
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harass
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 others.
Furthermore
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, a lack of a
school
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 disciplinary code of conduct may lead to
school
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violence
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. If
school
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 authorities do not have
regulation
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regulations
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 or strictly do not monitor rules against child abuse, ragging, bullying, etc.,
which
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they
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 are subjected to getting a chance of
violence
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 by students or even
school
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 staff. Seeing the matter with a brighter mind, many solutions can be helpful to curb
this
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 menace. One potential solution is for the guidance to ensure properly taking care of their
children
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.
For instance
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, parents should play with
children
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,
taking
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take
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 information about their friends,
checking
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check
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school
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 attendance or results reports,
to
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apply
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teach them about social
behaviors
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behaviours
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,
scale
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scaling
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 up positive attitudes, religious matters, and so on.
Moreover
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, the government should set up strict rules and regulations against
violence
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, and
accordingly
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 monitor
violence
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 to protect them.
Furthermore
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, authorities can motivate students and staff
by
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through
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 gaming competitions
among
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apply
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them
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apply
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, cultural activities, arranging picnics, and so on.
To conclude
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, solving a global issue is not easy, but with the joint efforts of humanity, control can be taken over the issue with the aforementioned suggested measures, specifically carrying motivation, with integrated laws. I believe that everyone should come forward to mitigate
this
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 case.
Submitted by masud on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, with logical connections between ideas, but sometimes the flow could be improved for better coherence.
task achievement
While you addressed the task and touched on causes and solutions, more detailed examples and explanations would improve the depth of your response.
language
Using more specific and varied vocabulary will further enhance your essay's clarity and engagement.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present and relevant to the topic.
coherence cohesion
You have structured your essay logically, making it easy to follow your arguments.
task achievement
You have addressed the task by discussing both causes and solutions of school violence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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