IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age group who did regular physical activity in 2010

the bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age group who did regular physical activity in 2010
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The following chart illustrates the proportion of regular physical
activity
Use synonyms
 done by
men
Use synonyms
 and
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 divided into six categories of ages in Australia in 2010. At first glance, it is evident that the percentage of
activity
Use synonyms
 in females older than 24
years
Use synonyms
 old was higher than
males
Change preposition
in males
show examples
 older than 24
years
Use synonyms
 old. Another interesting point is that both genders had almost the same rate of
activity
Use synonyms
 at the age of 65 and over with only
1
Correct article usage
a 1
show examples
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
difference
Add an article
the difference
show examples
. Looking at the details, 15 to
24 year old
Add a hyphen
24-year-old
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 did more exercise
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to women at that
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, at the age of 25 to 64
years
Use synonyms
 old, the
men
Use synonyms
 were nowhere near as active as women.
Finally
Linking Words
, 15 to 24
years
Use synonyms
 old women had the lowest proportion of physical
activity
Use synonyms
 with only 47.7
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
's
activity
Use synonyms
 at the age of 35 to 44 hit the trough of 39.5
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words activity, men, years with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: