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Band 5.5

The working week should be shorter and workers should have a longer weekend. Do you agree or disagree?

#week #workers #weekend
There is an argument between those who think that the modern working system should be changed, and the number of working
days
 should be shortened, oppositely extending weekends.
While
 others, including me, oppose it. Because,
as a result
, it leads to numerous drawbacks. On the one hand, it is undeniable that nowadays people need to have weekends in order to rest from busy
days
 and cope with
pressures
Correct article usage
the pressures
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from
Change preposition
of
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 overworking. These resting periods are intrinsic to most of our society, and enlarging their amount would lead to some health and mental benefits. The well-being of a person,
for instance
, is a vital component to
continue
Wrong verb form
continuing
show examples
 our passion towards jobs
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and can be encouraged by relaxing
days
.
Also
, more time to accomplish basic needs,
such
 as doing leisure activities and spending time with their families and peers.
On the other hand
,
however
, shortening the number of working
days
 would precede
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
several disastrous disadvantages.
For example
, perhaps, if employers start to rest and relax more, there is a probability of a lack of work in many employments. In consequence, it leads to a diminishing trend in the economy of the whole country, and lower incomes, as there will be no need to pay them as before
,
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apply
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 because less work will be done than at the current time. Taking everything mentioned into account, I believe that the current, innovative working system that counts how many
days
 employers should work is perfect. And there is no necessity to change anything,
otherwise
Add a comma
otherwise,
show examples
 it will bring some uncountable effects,
such
 as an economic fall, and people would suffer from low salaries.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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General
Your ideas are clear, but you should work on providing more examples to fully support your arguments. Also, avoid repetitive phrases and ensure each paragraph flows logically from the previous one.
task achievement
To enhance task response, aim to fully develop each main idea with clear examples that are well-elaborated.
task achievement
Try to achieve a better balance in developing both sides of the argument equally if you choose to mention both viewpoints. Your essay leans a bit more towards why the current system is better, without fully fleshing out the benefits of longer weekends.
coherence cohesion
Work on paragraph transitions to improve the essay’s logical flow and cohesion. Ensure that your ideas are linked smoothly.
General
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which makes it easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well articulated, summarizing the main points effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • productivity
  • burnout
  • motivation
  • mental well-being
  • work-life balance
  • job satisfaction
  • pollution levels
  • traffic congestion
  • consumer spending
  • economic implications
  • leisure and service sectors
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