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Band 5

Due to the use of the computers and mobile phones, letter-writing ability is disappearing. To what extent do you agree?

#computers #phones #ability
Nowadays,
people
 argue about the new
technologies
 that altered our lifestyle and because of
this
Add a comma
this,
show examples
 the ability of handwriting is disappearing. I completely agree with the
people
 who think that writing
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 computers and mobile phones or other gadgets is much better than
old
Add an article
the old
show examples
 method.
Firstly
, using
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
 is suitable almost for everyone and even for
people
 who have problems with average handwriting. Since
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
technologies
 updating
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 and making
itself
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
 more comfortable for humanity.
Thus
,
people
 with letter-writing issues can freely show their viewpoints thankful for gadgets.
For example
, the company Neuralink created by Elon Musk produces
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
chips that will
install
Wrong verb form
be installed
show examples
 in
brain
Add an article
the brain
show examples
, and
then
person
Correct article usage
a person
show examples
 who has
this
 chip can use different
technologies
 by their power of thoughts. It will help paralyzed or
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
other
people
 who have problems with handwriting.
Secondly
,
in
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apply
show examples
these days keeping documents
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 computers and mobile phones is much safer than keeping
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
as
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on
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a
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apply
show examples
paper.
By reason
Change preposition
Reason
show examples
of
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apply
show examples
vital letter-writing documents may be
loss
Replace the word
lost
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
everywhere,
whereas
in
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on
show examples
 the computer it can not only be
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
display but has plenty of options for it.
For instance
,
people
 could write their essays in documents and
then
 change the content if they want and send it
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 other
people
 by messengers very quickly.
In addition
, in Kazakhstan
people
 can get information about their houses,
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
, criminal records,
analyzes
Replace the word
analyses
show examples
 etc. just by the “egov” website. In conclusion, summing up these arguments, reasons and examples I fully agree with the statement that writing by
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
 is far better than ordinary letter-writing. Since
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 humanity created the modern lifestyle
people
 need to adapt
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 it.
Submitted by a.seytzhanova on

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coherence cohesion
To strengthen your coherence and cohesion, consider using more varied linking words. This will improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Expand on your main points further to provide a more comprehensive argument. This will make your essay more compelling and thorough.
overall
You should use more varied sentence structures to make your writing more engaging. This will also help to clearly convey your ideas.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly sets up the argument and states your stance, which is excellent for task achievement.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your points, making your arguments stronger.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

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