IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

There are more and more older people who are looking for work have to compete with younger people for the same jobs. What problems does this cause? What are some possible solutions?

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There are the majority of
people
Use synonyms
 in the older generation who are looking for
work
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 with younger
people
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 and they have to compete with them despite their future health issues. There would be one problem, why seniors would like to
work
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 with juniors. In my view, the biggest issue for older
people
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, and
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is the lack of jobs and opportunities to get money for their next lifetime. Because of
Linking Words
this
Add a comma
this,
show examples
 some juniors think that they have more possibilities to get their future professions. But,
people
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 of old age try to get their own way of competing with others.
For example
Linking Words
: Some 24.5% of South Koreans aged 70 and above were still working as of January, local media reported Monday, as officials increasingly look to keep more elderly in the workforce to address a demographic crisis
according to
Linking Words
South
Correct article usage
the South
show examples
 Korean Government’s Latest Statistics. One possible solution to
this
Linking Words
 trouble could be, to open new kinds of extra
work
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 to help and allow
people
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 to create new jobs and more productive life experiences in their elder years.
For example
Linking Words
: in our
country
Add a comma
country,
show examples
 we have one governmental agency which helps
people
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 to make them feel more secure and
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the older workers more opportunities to
work
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 harder and get cash to live. Thanks to
this
Linking Words
, more than 15 or 20
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of individuals were employed. In conclusion, troubles
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
come from older employees, and
that is
Linking Words
 why there is a lack of unemployment in many states,
however
Linking Words
, there would be solutions of course, and as we can see here, there is apparently a solution for
this
Linking Words
 situation.

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task response
To improve task response, try to provide a more comprehensive analysis of the problem by discussing multiple issues that may arise from older individuals competing with younger people for the same jobs. Expand on potential problems and add more perspectives.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that supporting sentences directly relate to it. Additionally, use transitions between sentences and paragraphs to enhance the logical flow of ideas.
task response
The essay includes relevant examples, such as the statistics from South Korea and the governmental agency in the author's country. These add depth to the points being made.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame the discussion and summarize the main points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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