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Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people beleive that nowadays we have too many choices. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #beleive #choices
These day
Change the determiner
This day
These days
show examples
, our wider society become more creative than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past,
we
Correct word choice
and we
show examples
 can
also
 see that
people
 have a lot of
choices
 to
decide
Verb problem
make
show examples
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 own
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
. Personally, the claim of
this
 statement is disagreeable as the damage is seen, There are reasons to be
eleborated
Correct your spelling
elaborated
celebrated
 as
following
Wrong verb form
follows
show examples
. No one can deny that, nowadays some are got bad
affects
Replace the word
effects
show examples
 from choosing
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 own
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
.
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 some part of
highschool
Correct your spelling
high school
show examples
 children in Thailand can't decide what they're gonna study,
while
 in the past it
easily
Replace the word
was easy
show examples
 to
choosed
Correct your spelling
choose
.
However
, lots of
choices
such
 as education
ar
Correct your spelling
are
show examples
 not only provide their future
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 improve their abilities.
Nowdays
Correct the word
Nowadays
show examples
university
Fix the agreement mistake
universities
show examples
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
have many
choices
 that student can choose for their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 subject.
Besides
 that, they can skip
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
university
 and go to work or work and
studies
Fix the agreement mistake
study
show examples
.
For example
, In chulalongkorn
university
Capitalize word
University
show examples
 that located in Bangkok, Thailand,
are have
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
a lots
Correct the article-noun agreement
a lot
lots
show examples
 of
major
Fix the agreement mistake
majors
show examples
, that make students
studies on
Wrong verb form
study
show examples
 what they're
interented
Correct your spelling
interested
 in. There
no
Add a missing verb
is no
show examples
 doubt that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
our
Change the word
the
show examples
worldwide
Replace the word
world
show examples
are have
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 massive
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
occupations and innovation.
Moreover
,
hence
 it makes
people
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
choose the job for what
they're genuinely have
Change the verb form
they genuinely have
show examples
 workmanship in that part.
Such
 as
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 who studied
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
engineering at
chulalongkorn
Change the capitalization
Chulalongkorn
show examples
university
 can work
about
Change preposition
on
show examples
 that, and it makes that company have
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
good employees.
To sum up
,
althoght
Correct your spelling
although
 too many
choices
 can harm
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 who don't have their goals, it still brings benefits to our worldwide and population.
Thus
people
 should have
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 own goals and try hard to
reached
Change the form of the verb
reach
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 as much as
you
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can.
Submitted by dondollaraus on

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coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your ideas logically. Try to ensure that each paragraph contains one main idea that is clearly connected to the essay's overall argument.
task achievement
Make sure your main points are fully supported with relevant and specific examples. In some cases, the examples used were not entirely clear or relevant to the point being made.
general
Avoid spelling and grammatical errors. Proofreading your essay before submission will help you catch and correct these mistakes.
general
You have presented a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Your essay shows an attempt to address both sides of the argument, which is commendable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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