IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

80.Some people beleive that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Some say that females should have the same role as males in a nation’s
police
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 for or military
force
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,
while
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 others would argue that
women
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 cannot carry out these kinds of jobs.
This
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 essay will argue that
although
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women
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 are not as strong as
men
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, both genders should have the same opportunities. On the one hand, some believe that females must not be given equal opportunity to
work
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 in the
police
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 or military
force
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.
This
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 is because
women
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 have fewer physical abilities than
men
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 since they are less capable of achieving their goals in these kinds of jobs.
Also
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, in
this
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 type of
work
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, the individual needs to be able to fight against criminals, prisoners and dangerous people, which individuals can get hurt or accidents.
For example
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, in China,
police
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 are one of the jobs with the highest death rates, since if they are caught by the enemies they are tortured to death.
However
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, I believe that as long as people have done enough physical exercise and practice, there is no difference between genders.
On the other hand
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,
women
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 are better at critical thinking, and
this
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 can help in many situations, since working in the
police
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 and military
force
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, not only requires the person to be physically fit, but
also
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 to know how to solve problems causing less damage possible, and since
women
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 are more careful and pay more attention to details, they are able to find evidences and things that the
men
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 can’t. Recent research concluded, that
men
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 are more carefree
while
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women
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 are more attentive to little changes or differences. In my opinion, both genders should have the same opportunities to
work
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 in the
police
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 or military, since
women
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 are more In conclusion,
although
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 males have better physical ability,
women
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 are better at critical thinking, and
that is
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 why, in my opinion,
women
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 and
men
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 should have the same opportunities to
work
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 in the
police
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 and military
force
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.

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supported main points
It is integral that you fully develop your main points with specific examples and evidence. The essay references some generalities but fails to provide concrete, illustrative examples to support arguments.
task achievement
Ensure that you present a balanced discussion of both views. The essay tends to favor one viewpoint, leading to a potential bias in the discussion. To achieve a higher band, you could explore both perspectives equally before presenting your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
The flow of your essay can benefit from more varied and nuanced transition phrases that guide the reader through your arguments more clearly. This will enhance the overall coherence and logic of your text.
introduction conclusion present
Providing a more accurately detailed conclusion which neatly summarizes the main points and restates your opinion will greatly strengthen your essay's impact.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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