IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for family and leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? Give the reason for your answer and include any relevant examples of your knowledge and experience.

#people #work #hours #time #leisure #activities #situation #reason
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People
's
lives
 have changed during
this
 decade so much.
For example
, technology is
one
 of the causes of these issues. So
one
 of the concerns these days can be about too much work and
people
's trouble and not much
time
 for their family and themselves.The positive outlook
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
issue
 can be about their mental
health
 and communication. In my opinion, working hard at an early
age
 can be helpful and organize the person for the rest of his or her
life
.
Disadvantages
Correct article usage
The disadvantages
show examples
 of
this
issue
 may be again related to the mental
health
 of
people
 who work for long hours a day. All
people
 need motivation to continue their
lives
.
Whatever
Correct word choice
However
show examples
, there isn't any
time
 for these busy
people
 to spend enough
time
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 and themselves. Totally the balance in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life
 is very important because
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 balanced
life
 makes you have a better and happier
life
. We can consider both sides, but mental
health
 and humanity
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
 the first priority all the
time
. Generally, it depends on a lot of reasons,
such
 as
age
, each person's mental state, priority, and...
at the end
, I should say all
people
 ought to take themselves first in their
lives
.
People
’s
lives
 have changed significantly during
this
 decade.
One
 of the main reasons for these changes is technology.
One
 concern these days is that
people
 work too much, leading to stress and leaving them with little
time
 for their families and themselves.
However
, a positive aspect of
this
issue
 is the development of mental resilience and communication skills. In my opinion, working hard at a young
age
 can be beneficial, as it helps a person become more organized and prepared for the rest of their
life
. On the downside, working long hours can negatively impact a person’s mental
health
. Everyone needs motivation and
time
 to enjoy
life
, but these busy individuals often struggle to find
time
 for their families and self-care.
Overall
, balance in
life
 is crucial because a well-balanced
life
 can lead to happiness and well-being.
While
 it’s important to consider both sides of the
issue
, mental
health
 and humanity should always be the top priority. Ultimately, the impact depends on various factors,
such
 as
age
, individual mindset, and personal priorities. In the end, everyone should prioritize their well-being first in their
lives
.
Submitted by rezvanmansoori388 on

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task achievement
Try to include more specific examples to support your points. This will help to make your arguments more convincing and relatable.
task achievement
Work on developing your main points more fully. Provide detailed explanations and consider counterarguments where relevant.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your ideas flow smoothly from one to the next. Using a variety of transitional phrases can help improve the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Although the introduction and conclusion are present, make sure they are more distinct and well-defined. They should clearly outline your main argument and summarize key points effectively.
task achievement
You maintain a clear focus on the topic throughout the essay, which shows good task response.
coherence cohesion
The essay features a clear introduction and conclusion, framing the discussion well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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