IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The top priority of businesses is making money, and they do not need to have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Generating revenue is the first priority of businesses, and social
work
Use synonyms
 is not what they
must
Verb problem
apply
show examples
need to do. I wholeheartedly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement and I will support my opinion with arguments in the essay below.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, doing something for
public
Add an article
the public
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 is a good thing. From my perspective, companies do not need to have local public responsibilities.
Instead
Linking Words
, they need to help out the
emplyoees
Correct your spelling
employees
 who are giving their strength and working in their company.
For example
Linking Words
, giving
bonus
Add an article
a bonus
the bonus
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 to
worker
Add an article
a worker
the worker
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on
Change preposition
for
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 various achievements or any occasion not only
benefit
Correct subject-verb agreement
benefits
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 him but
also
Linking Words
 his family,
this
Linking Words
 is
also
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
a
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 kind of social
work
Use synonyms
.
Hence
Linking Words
, the top responsibility of businesses should be making money and they do not need to do social things, but if they still want to do anything for
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 and for their people, they should consider their own peers.
Secondly
Linking Words
, famous brands are already giving a high amount in the form of
taxes
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 & bills to their governments.
For instance
Linking Words
, if they are going to do social
work
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as well as
Linking Words
 paying
taxes
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, it
become
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becomes
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loss
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a loss
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 for their company.
Instead
Linking Words
,
its
Correct your spelling
it's
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 the duty of government officials to build local communities rather than companies who are already fulfilling their major duties by paying
taxes
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. As an example,
well known
Add a hyphen
well-known
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 brands
such
Linking Words
 as Nike, Gucci, tesla etc are already giving required bills to their governments and now organization administrators are responsible for all
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
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 of social reforms. In conclusion, making money is
top
Add an article
the top
a top
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 priority of businesses.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they should help their own
emplyoees
Correct your spelling
employees
 rather than local people.
Addditionally
Correct your spelling
Additionally
, numerous brands are already paying
taxes
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 to
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
, and now NGOs,
helping
Correct word choice
and helping
show examples
 centres are responsible for all
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of social
work
Use synonyms
.

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task response
To improve your score in Task Response, make sure that your arguments are fully developed and directly address all parts of the prompt. Currently, the essay leans heavily on the idea that businesses should focus on helping their own employees, which is an important point but should be balanced with considerations about the broader social responsibilities of businesses.
coherence cohesion
To strengthen Coherence and Cohesion, ensure that your ideas flow logically from one point to the next. Currently, the essay has some inconsistencies, like jumping from employee benefits to paying taxes without a smooth transition. Including more structured linking sentences would improve readability.
task response
Support your main points with more specific examples or data to make your arguments more compelling. Right now, the examples you have included (like giving bonuses to employees or paying taxes) are relatively vague and could benefit from more detailed explanation.
introduction conclusion
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines the main points you will discuss. Currently, it introduces the idea but could more explicitly state the specific arguments that will be covered in the essay.
introduction conclusion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps provide a sense of completion and direction to your argument.
task response
You have some strong points and examples, such as the role of government in social responsibility and the importance of employee benefits. These help to illustrate your main arguments effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • profit maximization
  • economic development
  • Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR)
  • shareholders
  • moral obligation
  • reputation
  • customer loyalty
  • sustainable business models
  • accountability
  • ethical practices
  • regulations
  • consumer expectations
  • economic sustainability
  • stakeholders
  • social impact
What to do next:
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