IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#money #businesses #responsibilities
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A
company
not
Add a missing verb
is not
show examples
 only responsible
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 making profits, but
also
 they must think about social
responsibilities
. Certainly, a
business
 will have
large
Correct article usage
a large
show examples
impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
show examples
,
such
 as
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
, job
vacancy
Fix the agreement mistake
vacancies
show examples
, social lives of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
, and many else. I firmly agree that the
company
 must
responsible
Add a missing verb
be responsible
show examples
 for all possible impacts that may happen in the future because of their
business
 activities.
This
 will be depicted by analysing Corporate Social
Responsibilities
 (
CSR
)
as well as
 empowering
people
 who
impacted
Add a missing verb
are impacted
show examples
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the
business
. First of all,
CSR
 is a responsibility
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 companies to the community or
people
 who live around the
business
.
For example
, an oil and gas
company
 in Indonesia
or
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
knownly
Correct your spelling
known
 as Pertamina,
giving
Wrong verb form
gives
show examples
aids
Fix the agreement mistake
aid
show examples
 to
fishermans
Correct your spelling
fishermen
show examples
 because the
company
 built their
company
 around beaches. The aids
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
succesfully
Correct your spelling
successfully
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 the
fishermans
Correct your spelling
fishermen
show examples
 to increase their catch of fish and gain higher profits. So, it is really important for a
company
 to have a sense of responsibility.
Additionally
,
similarly
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
CSR
, empowering
people
 can be formed by engaging the local
people
 to work with the
company
.
For instance
, Freeport Indonesia is hiring many
Papua's
Change noun form
Papua
show examples
people
 to work on the sites. Of course, it is really helpful for
people
at
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apply
show examples
there because the salary is really high. Even, on the job requirements, Freeport Indonesia is prioritizing Papuanese rather than applicants outside Papua.
Thus
, it is a good thing to make local
people
 become more welfare.
To conclude
, not just
focus
Wrong verb form
focusing
show examples
 on making profits, a
company
 have
responsibilities
 to its social environment. It has been proven how
CSR
 and empowering
people
 have a significant effect
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 local
people
 and
fishermans
Correct your spelling
fishermen
show examples
.
Therefore
, keeping in touch with
social
Correct article usage
the social
show examples
responsibilities
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 a
company
 is highly crucial.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Work on making your main points clearer and more logically connected for better coherence. Use transitional phrases effectively.
Task Achievement
Try to provide more detailed explanations for your examples. This will strengthen your argument and clarity.
Task Achievement
Revise and proofread your work to minimize grammatical errors and improve overall readability.
Task Achievement
Provides specific, relevant examples like CSR initiatives and local employment.
Coherence & Cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, which makes the essay easy to follow.
Task Achievement
Demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and communicates this effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Social responsibilities
  • Corporate social responsibility
  • Ethical behavior
  • Societal impact
  • Stakeholders
  • Profit-driven
  • Public perception
  • Environmental sustainability
  • Community development
  • Human rights
  • Workplace safety
  • Altruism
  • Balanced approach
  • Accountability
  • Consumer loyalty
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