IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sum of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Other believes the money should be spent on improving exisitng public transport. Discuss both views and give your own pinion.

#countries #people #sum #money #railway #lines #trains #cities #exisitng #transport #pinion
Many people have different
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 about how
money
 should
use
Wrong verb form
be used
show examples
 for the public. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, people believe it
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 be better if the
money
 was allocated to building new railway lines for very fast
trains
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 places. Meanwhile, others think the
money
 should
use
Wrong verb form
be used
show examples
 for enhancing the quality of mass transportation.
This
 essay will analyse both sides before a conclusion is declared.
First,
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 a lot of
money
 to construct
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
 railway for fast
trains
 is important.
For example
, in Indonesia, there is a fast
train
 or MRT, but the price is quite expensive. Indeed, the
train
 was very
up to date
Add a hyphen
up-to-date
show examples
,
advance
Wrong verb form
advanced
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, and accessible.
However
, to build
this
 kind of
train
, the government must borrow a lot of
money
 from China. It makes
Correct article usage
the indebtion
show examples
indebtion
Correct your spelling
indebted
 of Indonesia become bigger and bigger.
Thus
, allocating
money
on
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in
show examples
this
 case
is remain
Wrong verb form
remains
show examples
 questionable,
is
Correct word choice
whether is
show examples
 it worth it or not.
On the other hand
,
use
Wrong verb form
using
show examples
money
 to refurbish public transportation is more valuable.
For instance
, I had a good experience when
used
Wrong verb form
using
show examples
 public vehicles,
such
 as
train
Fix the agreement mistake
trains
show examples
 or commuter
line
Fix the agreement mistake
lines
show examples
 in Indonesia. Not only cheaper, but
also
 it is really easy for me to
moving
Change the form of the verb
move
show examples
 from one place to another place. I feel comfortable because of the facilities in there.
Furthermore
, when
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 was importing new
trains
, they
do
Wrong verb form
did
show examples
 not need to spend as much as they
allocate
Wrong verb form
allocated
show examples
 to make fast
train
Fix the agreement mistake
trains
show examples
. So, it is more efficient and wise
in using
Change preposition
to use
show examples
money
. After looking at these points of view, I am more suitable
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 second
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
opinion. It is because a state can save more
money
 when
use
Change the verb form
using
show examples
 it for public transportation rather than make
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
 railway for fast
trains
.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of the essay. Make sure each paragraph flows smoothly to the next. This can be achieved through the use of proper transition words and phrases.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear, but they could be expanded upon further to provide a deeper analysis and understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The essay addresses both views on the topic and also provides a personal opinion, fulfilling the requirement to discuss both sides and give an opinion.
task achievement
Relevant specific examples are provided, which help to illustrate the points being made.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • high-speed trains
  • intercity travel
  • carbon footprint
  • economic activity
  • construction phase
  • public transport systems
  • congestion
  • pollution
  • cost-effective
  • infrastructure
  • productivity
  • sustainable urban environment
What to do next:
Look at other essays: