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Band 5

Governments should support care vs finance for retired people while others believe that they should save money when they get older. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

#governments #support #care #finance #people #money
No one can deny that some
people
 believe that
support
 care for retired
people
,
while
 others prefer to think that they should save
money
 when they get older. It is important to admit that both views have their own
benefits
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss the possible reasons that
support
 each view, and what
benefits
 they bring to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. On the one hand, the option to think that the governments should
support
 care
retired
Change preposition
for retired
show examples
people
 has its
benefits
 for many convincing reasons. Most importantly, some retired
people
 can't
support
 themselves. The perfect example to illustrate
this
 is if you go to a Retirement home you will find a lot of nurses doctors and caretakers for the elderly. Another key reason is many retired
people
 have no way to make
money
 for themselves so they need financial
support
. A good example of
this
 is that elderly
people
 can easily get sick and may get hurt doing
reagular
Correct your spelling
regular
ever day
Correct your spelling
everyday
show examples
 activities as their bodies
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 started to
deterierate
Correct your spelling
deteriorate
as well as
 their health. 
On the other hand
, despite the above argument, other
people
 choose to believe that retired
people
 should save their
money
 especially when they get older
this
also
 has its advantages for obvious reasons.
Firstly
, retired
people
 have had their chance to make plenty of
money
. A good interpretation of
this
 is the
salery
Correct your spelling
salary
 rates most retired
people
 used to make.
Secondly
, the elderly have much more
experince
Correct your spelling
experience
 and less of a responsibility
espacially
Correct your spelling
especially
 toward their kids because their kids would have been grown already. The best example is if
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 elderly person
makes
Verb problem
puts
show examples
 a kid in their
20's
Correct your spelling
20s
 by the time they retire their kid would have grown to be in their
30's
Change noun form
30s
show examples
. In conclusion, it seems to me that Governments should
support
 retired
people
 because its
benefits
 outweigh its drawbacks on the whole.
Submitted by almansouradel1 on

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task achievement
You have done a good job addressing both views and providing reasons and examples for each one. However, try to expand more on how each view affects society as a whole. You could also strengthen the discussion with more diverse examples.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure, which aids in understanding your argument. However, make sure the points within each paragraph flow smoothly from one to the next. Using more linking phrases like 'moreover,' 'furthermore,' and 'however' can help maintain this flow.
coherence cohesion
Grammar and spelling should be checked more carefully. There are numerous minor mistakes such as 'deterierate' instead of 'deteriorate' and 'regualr' instead of 'regular.' Besides, sentences should be polished to improve readability and coherence.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and provide a good framework for your essay. This helps in giving the reader a clear idea of what your essay will cover and wraps it up nicely.
relevant specific examples
You included relevant examples which significantly support your main points. This shows the ability to effectively use examples to strengthen your argument, which is a crucial skill in essay writing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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