IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people think that cultural traditions may be destroyed when they are used as money-making traditions aimed at tourists. Others, however, believe that it is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #traditions #tourists
There is an opinion that when people use cultural
traditions
 as a way to make money, these
traditions
 will be destroyed.
However
, other people think that it is the best way to preserve cultural
traditions
. In my opinion, both views are true for certain reasons. On the one hand, the expansion of cultural tourism has some clear effects. First of all, the
traditions
 have to change a lot to accommodate tourism, making it lose its cultural and historical values.
For example
, many historical locations have been rebuilt and changed a lot for commercial purposes so that these places lose their original beauty.
Additionally
, the increase in visitors has a negative impact on the environment and surrounding accommodations' lives.
For instance
, many destinations are polluted and trash is thrown carelessly because of the poor awareness of many tourists.
On the other hand
, there are several reasons to prove that making money from cultural
traditions
 is the best way to save it.
First,
the increase in the number of tourists can make a fund to protect and develop these
traditions
. If
this
 fund didn't exist, the government would have to spend a lot of money for protection purposes.
Moreover
, when visitors experience the
traditions
, they can help advertise that beauty to more and more people. Tourists can share with their friends about the cultural
traditions
 that they have experienced, thereby helping to spread and preserve ancient values. In conclusion, it is hard to decide which view is correct so the government should think carefully before making any decision about the tourism industry
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task achievement
Consider expanding the conclusion slightly to reinforce your main points and give your essay a stronger ending.
coherence cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structures and avoid repetition of terms like 'cultural traditions' which are used quite frequently throughout the essay.
task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced discussion of both views and answers the topic thoroughly.
coherence cohesion
Transition words and phrases are used effectively to guide the reader through your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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