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Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries, fast food restaurants and companies give money to schools provided that the school promote their products to school children. What do you think is the positive and negative of this in the development of children?

#countries #food #restaurants #companies #money #schools #school #products #children #development
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It is generally believed that fast cuisine companies and restaurants take some
money
 to
schools
 in some countries to promote their products,
however
 nowadays
this
 phenomenon has some benefits and drawbacks. I believe that the drawbacks do outweigh the benefits. On the positive side, fast
food
 restaurants can give
money
 and
schools
 can develop their education systems.
As a result
, students can learn and study without any worries. Many
schools
 have some problems because of the lack of
money
.
As a consequence
, pupils feel uncomfortable and stressed when they study in class.
For instance
,
schools
 which do not have enough
money
 and the government does not give financial support so they can give enough facilities and another problem is in poor condition,
schools
 can not pay the teacher fee. On the negative side, when fast cuisine companies take some
money
 and
schools
 should promote the products, it can affect any issues in society. Nowadays, many nutritionists make some campaigns to avoid children consuming fast cuisine because the additional ingredients can harm the brain, especially for students.
Therefore
 some countries should worry about their people's quality in the future when their pupils' brains are poisoned.
For example
, in India, there were more than 42% of pupils' brains became harmed because of some reasons, especially in consuming fast
food
 continuously in 2023.
Furthermore
, from
this
 data, some countries should make regulations to keep children healthy and minimize the consumption of fast
food
. By way of conclusion, about the phenomenon of fast
food
 companies providing
money
 to
schools
, I believe that we gain more negative consequences rather than beneficial impacts.
Submitted by suryawatinovita on

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task achievement
Try to make your arguments clearer by providing more detailed examples and evidence to support your points. This will help strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
task achievement
Work on providing a more balanced discussion by elaborating on both the positive and negative points equally. This will demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Consider improving the logical flow between your sentences and paragraphs. Use transition words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid repetition of phrases like 'fast cuisine companies' and 'take some money.' Instead, use synonyms or rephrase to maintain the reader's interest.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the discussion and provides a strong overall structure.
task achievement
The main points are relevant to the topic and cover both the positive and negative aspects, showing a good understanding of the issue.
task achievement
The essay attempts to include specific examples to illustrate points, which is essential for making arguments more concrete.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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