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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000 Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant. You should write at least 150 words.

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000 Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant. You should write at least 150 words.
#show #percentages #men #women #employment #four #countries #summaries #information #features #comparison
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The bar charts describe the
percetages
Correct your spelling
percentage
percentages
 of
Use synonyms
employment
Correct article usage
the employment
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 between
men
Use synonyms
 and women aged 60-64 in several countries.
Overall
Linking Words
,
aged
Correct article usage
the aged
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 who were still employed were dominated by
men
Use synonyms
 in these countries, even though there were some
percentage
Use synonyms
 changes in 30 years. In
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the men
show examples
men
Change noun form
men's
show examples
population
Use synonyms
,
Japan
Use synonyms
 had the biggest
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
employment
Replace the word
employed
show examples
 aged
men
Use synonyms
 in 1970, with 85% of
Linking Words
overall
Add an article
the overall
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 who were still employed.
Japan
Use synonyms
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 followed by Belgium, Australia, and the USA who had more than 70% in
employment
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
each country.
However
Linking Words
, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 had a massive drop in the next 30 years, where Belgium had the biggest downfall, with around 60%. Meanwhile, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of aged women who were still in
employment
Use synonyms
remained
Verb problem
did
show examples
 not change in all countries. The biggest proportion of aged women in
employment
Use synonyms
 in 1970 was
Use synonyms
Japan
Change preposition
in Japan
show examples
 with 43%,
then
Linking Words
 it had a slight decline to 40% in 2000.
Japan
Use synonyms
 was followed by the USA, Australia, and Belgium with a change
not
Change preposition
of not
show examples
 more than 3% in 1970 and 2000.
Submitted by bhaswarawira on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words employment, population, men, percentage, japan with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "changes" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Employment rate
  • Percentage
  • Significant increase/decrease
  • Fluctuation
  • Gender disparity
  • Trend
  • Decline
  • Improvement
  • Variation
  • Noteworthy
  • Aligned
  • Comparative analysis
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