IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

In some countries, fast food restaurants and companies give money to schools provided that the school promote their products to school children. What do you think is the positive and negative of this in the development of children?

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In some countries, schools get paid to promote company products.
This
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 essay will argue that companies giving money to schools in order to promote their products can be extremely unhealthy for students.
Firstly
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, fast food products can be incredibly unhealthy,
this
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 is because of the substances these foods are made
off
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of
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. They may cause health issues, acne, stomach issues, and much more. Not only are they unhealthy but they are excessively high in calories which will cause an issue of obesity.
For instance
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, people who eat healthy
found
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are found
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 better looking
with
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in
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 great shape.
Secondly
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, fast foods affects a child's
developments
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development
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.
While
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 it may be a good business for the school and the company, a child being healthy and smart should be more important to the school.
For example
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, studies
indecate
Correct your spelling
indicate
 that children who consume unhealthy foods are found less smart than those with a healthy diet. In conclusion, I believe that
this
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 is not a good business.
this
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 business will negatively impact the
developments
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development
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 of these children, and affect their health and physical
appearances
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appearance
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 which is why many might disagree that it is a good cause.

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task achievement
Ensure that every main point is well-supported with specific examples or evidence. For instance, instead of just stating that fast food is unhealthy, provide data or studies that support your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on the cohesiveness of the essay by using linking words and phrases that smoothly connect sentences and paragraphs. Phrases like 'Furthermore', 'In addition', and 'On the other hand' can help improve flow.
task achievement
Expand on ideas to make them clear and comprehensive. For example, explain more thoroughly how fast food affects cognitive development, perhaps by referencing specific nutrients that are lacking in fast food.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but ensure that the introduction more specifically outlines the main points that will be covered in the essay, and the conclusion summarizes these points clearly.
task achievement
The essay clearly outlines the main argument against promoting fast foods in schools.
coherence cohesion
The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is important for readability and coherence.
coherence cohesion
The sentence structure and vocabulary are relatively varied and demonstrate a good command of English.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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