IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. other belive that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. discuss both these views and give your opinion

#people #competition #work #school #life #belive
No one can deny that some people believe that
competition
 inside the
work
 or school
environment
 is a good thing,
while
 others prefer to think that cooperating rather than competing is better. It is important to admit that both views have their
benifits
Correct your spelling
benefits
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss the possible reasons that support each view, and what benefits they bring. on the one hand, the option to think that
competition
 is good
inside
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
work
 or school
environment
 has its benefits for many reasons. Most importantly,
competition
 can boost motivation. The perfect example to illustrate
this
 is my own
experince
Correct your spelling
experience
experiences
 in school,
me
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
and one of my friends used to compete on who had the best drawings, each of us became more motivated to try our best
inorder
Correct your spelling
in order
show examples
 to beat the other. Another key reason is
competition
 can make competitors put in more effort. A good example of
this
 is, the company Netflix, they offer a highly competitive
environment
 and some statistics
proved
Wrong verb form
prove
show examples
 that employees
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 compete against
eachother
Correct your spelling
each other
outpreform
Correct your spelling
outperform
 employees
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 don't.
furthermore
, it is
also
 important to mention that
competition
 can be very good,
aslong
Correct your spelling
as long
 as it is healthy.
On the other hand
, despite the above argument, other people choose to
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that cooperating more is much better,
this
also
 has its advantages for obvious reasons.
Firstly
, cooperating can help people provide better quality in their
work
. A good interpretation of
this
 is
also
 in my early days, me and my sister used to cooperate in making action
figuers
Correct your spelling
figures
, and the ones we did together were far better than the ones we did on our own.
Secondly
, cooperating can build stronger bonds
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 inside the
work
environment
. The best example is the company Apple, Apple unlike Netflix
support
Correct subject-verb agreement
supports
show examples
 employees working together and
proved
Wrong verb form
proves
show examples
 that working together can be more
benificial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 especially when creativity is involved.
Thirdly
, cooperating can build trust inside and
out
Change preposition
outside
show examples
 the
work
environment
. In conclusion,
although
 both views have their own
benifits
Correct your spelling
benefits
benefit
 I still strongly believe that cooperating can be better than being in a
competition
.
Submitted by almansouradel1 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Work on eliminating small spelling and grammatical errors to improve readability. Words like 'benefits,' 'experience,' 'in order,' 'outperform,' 'figures,' 'believe,' 'cooperating,' 'competitive,' etc., are misspelled.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is structured well, try to link the paragraphs more cohesively using transitions such as 'furthermore,' 'moreover,' etc. to make the essay flow better.
task response
Try to balance your examples and ensure they are all directly relevant to the points being made. Personal examples are good, but aim to generalize them to make the argument stronger.
intro conclusion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, helping the reader understand your main points effectively.
task response
The essay provides a complete response to the prompt by comparing both views and giving a clear opinion.
task response
Your use of personal examples makes the essay more interesting and relatable.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!