IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #retirement #age #work
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In recent years, tremendous countries have stepped up to the social status of
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 age. Personally, I insist that there are many drawbacks that outweigh boons; supports will be illustrated in the following paragraphs: On the one hand, the
government
Use synonyms
 needs to spend a lot of money on their
services
Use synonyms
. When the number of older
generations
Use synonyms
 increases, it will be followed by health care
services
Use synonyms
 and special treatment. It was supported by research from Chula
hospital
Capitalize word
Hospital
show examples
 that showed the number of older
generations
Use synonyms
 approximately 65% who attend
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
treatment in hospitals by using social
services
Use synonyms
 and almost all expenditures that are spent by the
government
Use synonyms
;
in addition
Linking Words
, most countries need to spend the salary for retirement age. Especially people who work in
government
Use synonyms
 agencies.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Thailand, they have serviced to elderly who worked in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
municipal agencies. When they retire from their work, they will receive almost the same pay as when they worked before.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it
increase
Change the verb form
increases
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 growth room for younger
generations
Use synonyms
. When
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 retire , they will be replaced by new generation workers. That expands spaces for younger
generations
Use synonyms
 and new graduates to represent their ideas into organisations--leading to improving their businesses to modernization and growth.
For example
Linking Words
,
Srichan
Correct your spelling
Sichuan
, the cosmetic company in Thailand, renovated
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 organisation and direction of business when the new
generation controlled
Add a hyphen
generation-controlled
show examples
 company replaced the old
generations
Use synonyms
. It
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a lot of impacts
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their business which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 value and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them grow
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
into a big company again. As I mentioned, some boons of the elderly age are retired. Especially, increases the growth room for new
generations
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, there are tremendous disadvantages. Particularly, the high budget of healthcare and
services
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe that there are drawbacks that outweigh
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 and the
government
Use synonyms
 needs to find ways to solve
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
Submitted by jeebjib14 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the issue and provided relevant examples, which is good. However, the response lacks depth and detailed explanation of your points. Try to elaborate more on each point to enhance your argument.
coherence and cohesion
There are parts of the essay where the ideas are not clearly expressed and the structure seems a bit disjointed. Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and follows a logical progression. Using topic sentences can help guide the reader.
introduction conclusion
You have included an introduction and a conclusion, which is important for structuring your essay.
supported main points
The examples you used are relevant and help illustrate your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • life expectancy
  • pension systems
  • financial pressure
  • economic growth
  • workforce
  • retirement savings
  • skills and knowledge transfer
  • job opportunities
  • health challenges
  • work-life balance
  • societal resistance
  • burnout
  • productivity
  • well-being
What to do next:
Look at other essays: