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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The graph displays data about the number of people who participated in different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia over a twenty-year period from 2000 to 2020.

The graph displays data about the number of people who participated in different activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia over a twenty-year period from 2000 to 2020.
In general, It can be seen that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 six types of
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
have
Verb problem
are
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 shown in the chart which two of them had an increase in the
figure
Use synonyms
, two stayed almost the same and only one of them witnessed a fall in the
figure
Use synonyms
. Regarding the numbers for
Film
Correct article usage
the Film
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 club and Martial arts,
Altough
Correct your spelling
although
 there was some fluctuation in the
figure
Use synonyms
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the number of participants remained the same as
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 beginning of the period in the chart.
Following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, the only activity that lost
it’s
Replace the word
its
show examples
 attractiveness for the people was Amateur dramatics, despite increasing gradually in the first five
Use synonyms
year
Change to a plural noun
years
show examples
, there was a steady fall in the next fifteen
Use synonyms
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
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 for
this
Linking Words
 activity.
By contrast
Linking Words
, the number of participants
for
Change preposition
in
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 Table tennis increased dramatically in the second decade and the
figure
Use synonyms
 went from twenty to over fifty, which
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is the biggest rise among these activities. Looking at the details for Musical performances, it can be seen that in the first five
Use synonyms
year
Change to a plural noun
years
show examples
 the
numebr
Correct your spelling
number
 of participants was zero,
However
Linking Words
 there was a moderate
grow
Replace the word
growth
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 in the number for
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 fifteen
Use synonyms
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
.

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Contractions: Don't use contractions.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words figure, year with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fall" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • participation trends
  • significant changes
  • popularity
  • speculate
  • social trends
  • improvements in facilities
  • notable peaks
  • external factors
  • economic conditions
  • local events
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