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Band 4.5

Some people work for the same organization all their life. Others think that it is better to work for different organization. Discuss both views and gives your opinion.

#people #work #organization #life
There are two types of
people
 based on their career journey choice. First is
people
 who
work
 for the same
organization
 all their life. Second is
people
 who varied their
organization
. In my opinion, it is better to have variation rather
always
Correct word choice
than always
show examples
work
 for the same
organization
. Experiencing different
organization
Fix the agreement mistake
organizations
show examples
 will give different
set
Fix the agreement mistake
sets
show examples
 of
skills
 and
broader
Correct article usage
a broader
show examples
 community. Each
organization
 have their own value and principal which requires
different
Add an article
a different
show examples
 set of
skills
 to adapt. Some companies require more office
meeting
Fix the agreement mistake
meetings
show examples
while
 others prefer to
use
Verb problem
apply
show examples
work
 from house. If we have all the experience we will have the
skills
 to adapt
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 different situations.
While
Correct word choice
People
show examples
people
 who choose to always
work
 for
same
Add an article
the same
a same
show examples
organization
 will have one skill to be more precise and sharp Having more
organization
 means we will meet different
communities
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the process. Even the same working areas could have different
communities
.
Example
Change preposition
For example
show examples
, company A sells
Add an article
a bicycle
show examples
bicycle
Fix the agreement mistake
bicycles
show examples
 to high-end rich customers,
while
 company B
prefer
Change the verb form
prefers
show examples
 lower-middle
costumer
Correct your spelling
customer
show examples
 to be their main target. Having different organizations will
broader
Replace the word
broaden
show examples
 our view and we can have more
choice
Fix the agreement mistake
choices
show examples
 on what
people
 we want to focus on. Meanwhile
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 who choose to focus on one
organization
, they will have more focus and more time for the
organization
he
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 choose. Each decisions have their own advantages and disadvantages. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 it is better to have more organizations because it will give more set of
skills
 and more
communities
 to talk to.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 it is important to take each
organization
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
enough time and not
moving
Wrong verb form
move
show examples
 so fast between
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. So we can
acquaire
Correct your spelling
acquire
 the
skills
 and
knows
Correct subject-verb agreement
know
show examples
 the
communities
.
Submitted by amgahmedicaldoctor on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay could benefit from a more clearly defined structure. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and is thoroughly developed.
task achievement
Be sure that you provide specific examples to support your main points. This will help strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Avoid using simple or repetitive sentence structures. Try to incorporate a variety of complex and compound sentences to demonstrate your language ability.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion by presenting both views on the topic.
task achievement
Your essay shows an understanding of the topic and provides an opinion with supporting reasons.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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