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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The increase in the number of privately-owned cars is having a negative impact on both our towns and the environment. What can individuals and the government do to reduce this problem?'

#cars #impact #towns #environment #individuals #government
big
Correct article usage
A big
show examples
 issue currently concerning the
music
 industry is illegal downloading. Some people consider that unlawful internet downloads have a huge impact on
music
Add an article
the music
show examples
 market.
While
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 state that there is no damage caused to
artists
 or
music
Correct article usage
the music
show examples
 industry by internet
download
Fix the agreement mistake
downloads
show examples
. In my opinion, when
artists
 and musicians do not earn enough from their
work
 ,they will be less motivated to create new
music
. It is well known that
artists
 and musicians
work
 very hard to create new songs.In
fact
Add a comma
fact,
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 they pay a lot of money for production companies and
music
producer
Fix the agreement mistake
producers
show examples
 to introduce new and
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
songs on the market.It can take
month
Add an article
a month
show examples
 to produce one song .
Artists
 often rely on income from their
music
 to sustain their careers.
For
this
reason
Add a comma
reason,
show examples
 they need to earn money to progress and to be motivated and follow their
work
 to keep it updated.
Furthermore
,free
downlaod
Correct your spelling
downloads
 might affect their
work
 because people may not be interested in buying their
CD
Fix the agreement mistake
CDs
show examples
 if they have to pay for them.
Instead
 of selling their CD very quickly,they will stay on the shop´s stand.
As well as
 there must be a restriction for each
downloads
Change to a singular noun
download
show examples
 to respect copyright.
On the other hand
, as we know
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
technology invaded the world and everybody
use
Correct subject-verb agreement
uses
show examples
 the internet.
This
 download could help musicians and
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
show examples
being
Verb problem
become
show examples
 more famous.In
this
case
Add a comma
case,
show examples
 people are able to
listen
Add the preposition
listen to
show examples
music
 everywhere. If a song becomes widely shared, it can attract new fans who might not have discovered the artist
otherwise
.
To conclude
 ,
although
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 of illegal download on the artist ,the drawbacks of illegal downloading
Correct your spelling
outweigh
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
Correct your spelling
potential
Correct article usage
the potentiel
show examples
potentiel
Correct your spelling
potential
 upsides
Submitted by janejaspar on

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task response
Ensure that your argument is fully developed and backed by clear examples. In the current essay, the points could benefit from more specific and detailed illustrations.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to the flow of your essay. Transitions between sentences and paragraphs should be smooth and logical. Some areas in the essay are slightly abrupt.
task response
Address the counter-argument more robustly. While you mentioned how illegal downloading can make artists famous, you did not elaborate on it in as much depth as the opposing view.
coherence cohesion
Work on the overall structure of the essay. Some paragraphs could be more clearly defined, and ideas within them better grouped together.
coherence cohesion
Avoid minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to improve clarity. Working on these areas can contribute to a more polished and professional essay.
task response
You presented multiple viewpoints on the issue, showing a balanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
Your essay contained a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame your arguments effectively.
task achievement
You made a valid point about the impact of illegal downloading on artists' motivation and earnings.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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