Children spend a lot of time watching TV and playing computer game, however it does not help in improving their mental abilities. Do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays we facing the era of technology,
children
Correct word choice
and children
prefer
spend a long period Add the particle
prefer to
on
their leisure time on Change preposition
of
TV
and playing with technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
devises
. Some people believe that it is limited their mental capabilities Correct your spelling
devices
whereas
other
do not. In my opinion, I Fix the agreement mistake
others
stronly
agree with the nation Correct your spelling
strongly
due to
several reasons.
To begin
with, spenting
a long time with computer game gadgets and Correct your spelling
spending
TV
showes
will escape Correct your spelling
shows
the
essential Correct article usage
apply
habitis
Correct your spelling
habits
such
as physical acitivites
. The Correct your spelling
activities
out door
activity plays a significant role Correct your spelling
outdoor
on
Change preposition
in
maintaing
Correct your spelling
maintaining
children
health Change noun form
children's
such
as playing on the grass and swiming
. Correct your spelling
swimming
Moreover
, the
Correct article usage
apply
TV
and smartphones can adversly
affect their medical health Correct your spelling
adversely
due to
the artifical
lighting system Correct your spelling
artificial
result
Wrong verb form
resulting
with
Change preposition
in
eye-problems
, Correct your spelling
eye problems
migrante
Correct your spelling
migraine
headache
and obesity. A recent research Fix the agreement mistake
headaches
proof
that Replace the word
proves
children
with multiple vision illneses
were to Correct your spelling
illnesses
illness
used
the technologies devise more than 4 hours.
Change the verb
use
On the other hand
, technology has a huge impact on the quality of social communication skills. Furthermore
, spend
a long time at home watching Wrong verb form
spending
TV
and playing computer games will diminished
Change the verb form
diminish
the
face-to-face communication. The reduction Correct article usage
apply
on
Change preposition
in
people
Change noun form
people's
intercation
might show a detrimental Correct your spelling
interaction
interactions
affect
on Replace the word
effect
children
Change noun form
children's
personality
. Fix the agreement mistake
personalities
Nevertheless
, the confidient
level and eye contact can reduced with the new generation Correct your spelling
confident
confidence
due to
low communication experience. Moreover
, the violent clips in some TV
shows are able to affect children
and adolescent
behavior and Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
attitude
to be more Fix the agreement mistake
attitudes
aggresive
.
In conclusion, Correct your spelling
aggressive
The
Correct article usage
apply
technologies
development Replace the word
technological
have
a significant impact on the new generations. Correct subject-verb agreement
has
However
, they are able to reduce their mental intelligent
Replace the word
intelligence
due to
sedentary
lifestyle with several medical issues and lower their social interaction levels.Correct article usage
a sedentary
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task achievement
Your essay covers the main ideas relevant to the topic, but make sure to include more specific examples to support your arguments. Try to diversify examples and make them directly relate to each point you are making.
coherence cohesion
Review your paragraphing and ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details. This will enhance the logical flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure and avoid run-on sentences. Breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones can help readability and clarity.
task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task by presenting clear arguments about the negative impact of excessive screen time on children.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which neatly frame your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay generally follows a logical structure with points organized in a clear manner. This makes your arguments easy to follow.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example