IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than any other important professionals. Some people think it is justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#sports #professionals #money #people
Sport
Change the noun form
Sports
show examples
professionals
 can not be found anywhere you go, so when they play millions of
people
 enjoy watching them.
In addition
, the
people
 who made the sport earn a huge amount of money out of the
people
 who are watching.
moreover
,
sports
professionals
 can do a lot of things that normal
people
 can't do because it requires a lot of talent and hard
work
, so it is not easy to become a successful
sports
professionals
Fix the agreement mistake
professional
show examples
.
Firstly
,
sports
 is a huge world, so, not all players get paid the same, but in some
sports
 like football basketball or even volleyball, a huge amount of
people
 watch them, which will get the eyes of big
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
 to be a part of a big team so they can get bigger and bigger,
such
 as Nivea and a lot more companies. To get paid ten times more than what you need is somehow unfair, especially for poor and homeless
people
, But, if you worked hard enough as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
sports
professionals
Fix the agreement mistake
professional
show examples
, you
won't
Correct your spelling
wouldn't
 be talking about how unfair it is for them to get paid a huge amount of money, you could've worked hard enough to do so but you decided to not do a thing. So,
instead
 of sitting at home talking about how you should start to
work
 as hard as you can to give your family and yourself a happy life. You should start working on yourself and who knows, you may be able to be as good as them in a few years.
however
, it won't be easy to do so, it will require more
work
 than you think.
However
, hard
work
 will always get you what you want no matter how hard it is, if you put
enough
Change preposition
in enough
show examples
work
 you'll get it no matter what.
Submitted by h9715823 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
Ensure that you have both an introduction and conclusion in your essay to provide a complete structure.
supported main points
Develop your main points with clearer examples and explanations to make them more compelling.
complete response
Try to more directly address both sides of the argument to fully achieve the task response.
logical structure
Work on improving the logical flow between paragraphs and ideas to improve coherence and cohesion.
clear comprehensive ideas
You provided some reasonable arguments and examples supporting the view that sports professionals should earn more.
logical structure
You demonstrated an understanding of the complexity of the issue by touching on hard work and talent involved in being a sports professional.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: