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Band 5

it is important to everyone, including young people to save money for their future. to what extent do you agree and disagree woyj this statement? give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples fro your own knowledge or experience

#people #money #future #woyj
In today’s rapidly changing world,
money
 saving for a better future is a topic of debate.
While
 some argue it is not beneficial for living
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, I firmly believe that integrating what
people
 need into preserving their
funds
 can greatly enhance the quality of
life
.
Firstly
, saving
money
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 fosters active engagement to be wealthy when a youngster is going to be
an adults
Correct the article-noun agreement
an adult
adults
show examples
. Bank accounts and investments in gold or stocks could be choices to preserve their wage with considerable assurance and security. In consequence,
people
 can spend their salary to buy what they are willing to
such
 as property which needs a huge amount of
funds
, and a better
life
 expectancy could be as an outcome.
Moreover
, preserving
money
 facilitates adults' access to barrier insurance when they retire. Detrimental health and slow organ metabolism could be challenges for the elderly
such
 as heart attack and diabetes and routine medical checks are needed, in consequence elderly have to cash even if they do not receive income as retired
people
.
This
funds
 collection is not only beneficial to keep fit but
also
 contributes to business modal when elderly
thus
 income will continuous after retirement.
While
 some argue that frugal living can be detrimental to
people
’s lifestyles, it is important to recognize that responsible integration of preserving
money
 and daily needs. Adults can balance their income and
funds
 to their perspective of
life
. In conclusion, saving
money
 offers undeniable advantages. Balancing preserving
funds
 and lifestyle with what
people
 need can transform
life
 into a wealthier and better future. As we move forward, governments should encourage
people
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the potential risks before inhabitants
is retiring
Wrong verb form
retire
show examples
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Work on developing a clearer and more logical structure within your paragraphs. Transitional phrases can help improve the flow.
task achievement
Elaborate on specific examples to support your points. Personal anecdotes or relevant statistics could make your arguments stronger.
task achievement
Be careful with vocabulary and grammar usage. Some sentences are awkwardly phrased and may confuse the reader.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and provide a clear framework for your argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task directly and provides some good points about saving money for the future.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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