IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Public health is becoming an urgent issue nowadays. Some argue that governments should create nutrition and food choice laws to improve public health, while others believe that it is a matter of personal choice and responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#health #argue #governments #nutrition #food #choice #laws #matter #responsibility
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Nowadays, it is a global problem that who should take responsibility
to improve
Change preposition
for improving
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public health. The view of whether the
government
 ought to consider its citizens' healthcare or
each
Correct word choice
whether each
show examples
 individual should take some steps for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
protection is advocated by a group of people. I partially support
this
 viewpoint and I will elaborate my arguments in
following
Correct article usage
the following
show examples
 paragraphs.  On the one hand,
l
 accept that the
government
 must involved in protecting their citizens' lives with the help of its vast amounts of money and
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 because individuals do not have enough power.
For example
, each year every country imports more than thousands of products from different parts of the world. The
government
 ought to accept some laws to ban imports of harmful nutrients which may lead
detrimental
Change preposition
to detrimental
show examples
 consequences
such
 as cancer. Another reason why
l
 support
this
 approach is
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
 population may
gives
Verb problem
make
show examples
profound
Correct article usage
a profound
show examples
 contribution to the country's economy and development.
For instance
,
Monacco
Correct your spelling
Monaco
 is the most wealthy country in the world , because their
government
interested
Add a missing verb
is interested
show examples
 in
public's
Correct article usage
the public's
show examples
 health and
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
.
On the other hand
, it is
also
 true that each person is responsible for her or his life. There are several factors that why people should take some
actions
Fix the agreement mistake
action
show examples
 to help themselves.
For example
, if someone goes to market he may
considers
Change the verb form
consider
show examples
 the ingredients of each item ,
due
Correct word choice
and due
show examples
 to it they can prevent
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy
show examples
 diet.
Furthermore
, consumers
also
 have to be aware of
calories
Correct article usage
the calories
show examples
 of each meal and more likely to eat homemade meals. Because it has proven that eating out is not as beneficial as cooking fresh food. In conclusion,
l
 agree that the
government
 should take some actions
for protecting
Change preposition
to protect
show examples
,
l
also
 hold a view that pupils are responsible for their lives.
Submitted by nezerli.x12 on

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly states both sides of the argument and your own opinion with clarity. This will improve the Task Response score.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your paragraphs more effectively. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea, which should be introduced, explained, and supported with examples.
coherence cohesion
Aim to use more conjunctions and linking phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance the Coherence and Cohesion score.
task achievement
Review and correct grammatical errors and awkward phrasings to make your ideas clearer and more comprehensible.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing both sides of the argument and restating your opinion more effectively.
task achievement
Use more variety in vocabulary and sentence structure to make your essay more engaging.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced viewpoint.
task achievement
Relevant examples are provided to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, contributing to a well-rounded essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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