IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays it is more difficult for children to concentrate or pay attention in schools. What could be the reasons for this? What solutions can you suggest?

#children #attention #schools
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In recent times it has been observed that children facing difficulty in concentrating on academics. There are different reasons for
this
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 issue; being addicted to games is one of the primary reasons which makes kids lethargic and lack focus. The below essay elaborates on
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 focused area and possible solutions which can be applied to overcome
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 concern. After the arrival of smartphones, nowadays children started to spend their leisure
time
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 with phones or games and social media platforms. Earlier kids used to spend their
time
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 with outdoor activities and reading books which helped them to develop their brains and make real friends.
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 boosted their focus and helped them to do well in academics.
For instance
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, the study conducted by Delhi Child Development suggests that kids who spend one hour of
time
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 daily with games tend to be more violent and lack
paying
Verb problem
apply
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attention to academics. It is important parents for parents and teachers to identify these issues and take possible precautions before escalate
further
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. From my point of view, parents and teachers should encourage children to participate in sports activities and
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be involved
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 in clubs or other team activities.
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 way they will be more physically active and spend less
time
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 with digital platforms or other social media.
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 in turn helps them to improve their focus develop social skills and make friends.
Submitted by greeshmav91 on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that all parts of the prompt are fully addressed. While reasons for the lack of concentration were discussed, solutions were somewhat limited. Consider expanding on this by providing more specific strategies and how they can be implemented effectively.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by using transition words and phrases consistently throughout the essay to guide the reader through your points. For example, use phrases like 'Furthermore,' 'Additionally,' and 'On the other hand.'
coherence cohesion
Enhance cohesion by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences in the paragraph support that main idea. Make sure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your main points. For instance, you mentioned games and smartphones as distractions, but you could provide more detailed examples of how these specifically affect academic concentration.
structure
The essay provides a clear introduction to the topic and a logical structure of points by first discussing the problem and then proposing solutions.
task achievement
The essay addresses relevant reasons for children's lack of concentration and provides a valid main solution, showing an understanding of the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Attention span
  • Screen time
  • Cognitive function
  • Focus
  • Diet and nutrition
  • Processed foods
  • Cognitive function
  • Concentration levels
  • Sleep deprivation
  • Extracurricular activities
  • Distractions
  • Classroom environment
  • Teaching methods
  • Interactive content
  • Mental health issues
  • Anxiety
  • ADHD
  • Diagnosed
  • Concentration
  • Multimedia content
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