IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The government’s investment in arts, music, and theatre is a waste of money. Governments should invest these funds in public services instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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The
government
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 resources are limited so it is important to ensure their way of spending wisely and consider public needs. Is it wise enough to spend
government
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 money on “important but not urgent” things
while
Linking Words
 there are higher priorities
?.
Change the punctuation
?
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 Some argue that authority entities should support any cultural program
such
Linking Words
 as art, music or
theater
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theatre
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.
However
Linking Words
, I strongly believe to some extent that
government
Use synonyms
 has higher priorities,
such
Linking Words
 as
Use synonyms
education
Correct article usage
the education
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sector
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 and
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health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
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care
Use synonyms
sector
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Firstly
Linking Words
,
Government
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 resources are mandatory to spend on the
education
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sector
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. By law, the
Government
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 is required to provide good
education
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 facilities
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 Building schools in rural areas, ensuring
education
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 workers get competitive salaries and providing a good curriculum for each
education
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 level.
As a result
Linking Words
, with limited resources, the
government
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 should prioritize
this
Linking Words
 rather than arts, music or
theater
Change the spelling
theatre
show examples
 at
this
Linking Words
 moment.
Secondly
Linking Words
, our
health
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care
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 is one of the issues
that is
Linking Words
 talked about between
indonesian
Change the capitalization
Indonesian
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 people. They feel that our
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health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
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care
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 facilities, which are good hospitals, good medical workers and medical tools, need to be improved.
Moreover
Linking Words
, their concern that there is inequality of access to
health
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care
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. There are some areas that lack
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health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
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care
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 facilities.
By knowing
Change preposition
Knowing
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this
Linking Words
, the
government
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 should invest more in
this
Linking Words
sector
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.
At the end
Linking Words
, when we are talking about how the
government
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 spends it is talking about which sectors are priorities, and cultural things are not important recently. By allocating more budget
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
education
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 and
health
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care
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, it will not only increase the human development index in Indonesia but
also
Linking Words
 empower society.

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task achievement
Try to extend your introduction to provide a clearer outline of the main points you will discuss in the essay. This will help guide the reader through your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly supports your thesis. This will improve the logical structure and flow of your essay.
task achievement
Add more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your argument. This makes your essay more convincing and shows a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You have identified key areas where government funding should be prioritized and provided justification for this.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well-organized into clear paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear conclusion that summarizes your argument effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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