IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

youger people need to be treated like adults if they commited a crime

#youger #people #adults #crime
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Many teenagers commit crimes but get treated differently than adult criminals. Despite that many
people
Use synonyms
 think
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
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 important to punish the younger generation in the same
way
Use synonyms
 as adults, I would argue that it is not fair and logical. Younger
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
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 brain functions differently and punishing them in the same
way
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 as older
people
Use synonyms
 will be a lot damaging
for
Change preposition
to
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 their future careers. Studies
has
Change the verb form
have
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 shown that the
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
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 of
children
Use synonyms
 still need to develop more and
reacts
Correct subject-verb agreement
react
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 to situations differently because of their young age. Punishing a child
lie
Correct your spelling
like
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 an adult may cause them to have trauma because of the complicated space where they will have to be
at
Change preposition
apply
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.
Children
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 need small adjustments in their needs to already realize that they will not act the same
way
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 again.
For instance
Linking Words
, when
children
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 break the rules made by their parents, just being grounded or refusing game time will make them learn to not do the act because they would like to have those privileges.
However
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,
this
Linking Words
 same punishment won’t work on an older person.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
Change preposition
apply
show examples
by
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apply
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punishing
children
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 like older
people
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 and in most cases ending up in
Fix the agreement mistake
jail
show examples
jails
Fix the agreement mistake
jail
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, will mess with their future not only
work related
Add a hyphen
work-related
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 but
as well for
Rephrase
also
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 college applications. Sometimes
children
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 like to get their
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 attention and would do that for any cost. So
by
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apply
show examples
addressing the main issue and reason that pushed
this
Linking Words
 child to commit a crime, something that isn’t easy to realize for their brain development, is the solution.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
children
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 are different
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
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 adults, physically and mentally and is
therefore
Linking Words
 impossible to punish them the same
way
Use synonyms
. Each group category should be treated differently and mostly helped to not break their future.
Submitted by ouazilhakima010 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear and focused main idea that is well-developed with supporting details or examples.
task achievement
Try to provide more substantial and varied examples to support your arguments. This will strengthen your task achievement.
general advice
Proofread your essay to correct grammatical errors and ensure that your language is precise and accurate.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to structure the response effectively.
task achievement
The response addresses the task prompt well, providing clear reasons and explanations for the stance taken.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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