IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#schoolchildren #history #world
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History
, which plays an integral role in education, is a way to help us understand about value of life.Some people believe that
students
 should learn the
history
 of their own country
instead
 of learning
world
history
. I partly agree with
this
 perspective and the reasons will be discussed in the following paragraphs. The underlying rationale behind
this
 is that learning exclusively about national
history
 can evoke a sense of patriotism through understanding about heroic traditions of our nation. Citizens are living in an independent country which has an extremely tranquil atmosphere, high standard of living, and fair laws
while
 other nations are still suffering from war to regain freedom and equality.
Moreover
, the former generations sacrificed their life to protect their motherland and construct a strong country.
Therefore
, the latter generations will respect their national heritage and be proud of
this
.
For example
,
history
 education in many high schools in VietNam is overloaded and lacks reality. A host of
students
 are not aware of their roots, they grow up with a superficial understanding of their ancestors’ achievements.
This
 is a testament to the importance of learning about local
history
On the other hand
,
students
 should acquire insights into events that took place in other parts of the
world
.
This
 is because
world
history
 lessons will provide
students
 with a holistic view of the context and essence of each nation.
Additionally
, focusing only on domestic
history
 can cause bias and negative feelings about other countries.
For instance
, in Vietnam,
students
 only understand that Vietnam was invaded by other countries
such
 as America and France, misleading them into thinking that people from these nations are bad. They should receive a well-rounded education about the
world
's background In conclusion,
while
 some argue that local
history
 is more necessary than
world
history
, I believe that schools should teach both in parallel to derive comprehensive knowledge.
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

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coherence
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports the central argument or position. Make it more explicit how each example ties back to the main point.
task achievement
Try to incorporate more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your arguments.
general
Avoid minor grammatical errors. Proofreading might help eliminate these small mistakes.
coherence
The essay has a clear and well-structured introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The main points are relevant and generally well-supported.
coherence
The arguments are clearly stated and easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • heritage
  • cultural identity
  • ancestry
  • traditions
  • globalization
  • empathy
  • contemporary issues
  • integrate
  • perspective
  • civilization
  • diversity
  • innovations
  • historical significance
  • nationalism
  • cosmopolitanism
  • historiography
  • geopolitical
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