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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that children should not be given toys as they distract them in their studies, whereas others believe that toys always help them in their education. discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #children #toys #studies #education
Children
 are in their developing stage where education is essential for making a brighter future but, letting the
children
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
have
toys
 can distract them in their
studies
.
On the other hand
, some
believes
Change the verb form
believe
show examples
 that
toys
plays
Change the verb form
play
show examples
 a vital role in their learning process. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 letting kids
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
have fun with
toys
 is an important
aspects
Change the noun form
aspect
show examples
 for
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
educational
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
as well as
 for their mental development, but under
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 supervision
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their parents or elders. On
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 negative
side
Add a comma
side,
show examples
children
 with so many
toys
 can be a distraction to their
studies
 as they are not aware of time management
neither
Correct word choice
or
show examples
 have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
concern
Fix the agreement mistake
concerns
show examples
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
 their
studies
.
Furtherrmore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, in an uncontrolled condition,
children
 can play with
toys
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
day and night
withoud
Correct your spelling
without
 focusing on their
studies
such
 as completing their
assign
Replace the word
assigned
show examples
 homework, leading to
backward
Correct article usage
a backward
show examples
 in
the
Change the word
their
show examples
studies
.
For instance
, my nephew can play with his car for whole days if his parents were not with him to
supervised
Change the form of the verb
supervise
show examples
, forgetting to do all his
homeworks
Correct your spelling
homework
.
In contrast
,
toys
 can not only bring so
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
show examples
 fresh learning in
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 of
educational
Replace the word
education
show examples
 but
also
self development
Add a hyphen
self-development
show examples
such
 as responsibilities and belongings. when they are exposed to various kinds of
toys
, they tend to learn more new things about the
toys
 rather than teaching theory in the class.
For example
, when
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 was small
kids
Fix the agreement mistake
kid
show examples
 my father bought
be
Correct your spelling
me
show examples
 different types of
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
show examples
 as
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 was
huge
Add an article
a huge
show examples
 fan of car
toys
 which resulted me in knowing all the names and their
version
Fix the agreement mistake
versions
show examples
 of cars.
This
 helps me to grow
interest
Correct article usage
an interest
show examples
 in driving making it so much easier to obtain driving license
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 very early age.
Moreover
,
toys
 bring
sense
Add an article
a sense
show examples
 of
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 kids as they have to take care of their loved ones
for
Correct word choice
so
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 to play for
extended
Correct article usage
an extended
show examples
peiod
Correct your spelling
periods
period
 of time.
To conclude
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
toys
 can be a distraction to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
small
children
 in their
studies
 but,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can
also
 make a huge difference in their personal learning and development if they are under the supervision of their parents.
Submitted by ugyenyangzom42 on

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly outlines the contrasting views and your own stance. This helps set a clear direction for the essay.
coherence cohesion
Make an effort to separate your ideas into paragraphs more clearly. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea.
coherence cohesion
Proofread your essay for grammatical errors and typos, such as 'Furtherrmore' and 'withoud.' These minor mistakes can affect readability.
coherence cohesion
Use more linking words and phrases to improve the flow and connection between your points. This will help in achieving a better logical structure.
task achievement
Provide more specific details and examples to support your main points. This strengthens your arguments and makes your essay more compelling.
task achievement
Ensure you use a varied sentence structure and vocabulary to articulate your ideas more effectively.
task achievement
Your introduction presents a clear understanding of the topic and outlines the two perspectives well.
task achievement
You include relevant examples to support your arguments, making your points more relatable and comprehensible.
coherence cohesion
There is a conclusion that summarizes your argument and restates your view, giving a sense of closure to the essay.

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