IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Children today are told dependent on computer and electronic entertainment.It would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports and games. Do you agree or disagree.

#children #computer #entertainment #time #sports #games
The importance of modern technology among youngsters is growing day by day.In the present era, teenagers are spending more and more time on phones and laptops for fun and study
while
, they should take part in
physically
Change the adverb
physical
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 activities like outdoor games,walking
as
Correct word choice
and
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 well
as
Change preposition
to
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gym
Correct article usage
the gym
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 can be better for their health. I believe that both conditions are essential
thus
,
following
Correct article usage
the following
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 paragraphs will elaborate
my
Change preposition
on my
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both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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views before reaching any logical conclusion. To commence, there are myriads of reasons in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
favour of digital technology. The top-notch concrete reason is learning
skills
.The majority of teenagers can learn lots of
skills
 from
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 with the help of YouTube, Google and Yahoo with that they could increase their confidence and get new
skills
 in education. Another pivotal aspect is
home
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
 works they are using
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
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 understand their difficult studies because, if they have any questions or doubts about any subject they can easily find them on cell phones and laptops with the help of the internet .
Thats
Correct your spelling
That
 why i
am support
Change the verb form
support
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this
 factor.
On the other hand
,
physically
Change the word
physical
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 efforts are
also
 a crucial part of our daily life. The first and foremost reason supporting
this
 is a
carrier
Correct your spelling
career
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. All the kids are not bookworms
however
Add the comma(s)
, however
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, some of them can become a sports person. Children should be encouraged towards game competition to find their
skills
 and interests. The
rear
Correct word choice
apply
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most
factor
Correct word choice
important factor
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 which can not be neglected is health, it is not compulsory that every kid become an athlete they can use sports to keep their body fit. They should be spent at least 4 hours of workout every day.
To conclude
, there are plenty of strong factors in favour of modern technology.
However
, the contrary can not be overlooked either.
Submitted by jagdeeptoor751 on

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task achievement
To achieve a higher score in Task Achievement, make sure to fully address all parts of the task prompt. Here, the essay needs a bit more balance; it should discuss the drawbacks of relying on technology alongside the benefits of engaging in physical activities.
coherence cohesion
For better Coherence and Cohesion, work on improving the logical flow of your arguments. Try to use more transitional phrases to link your ideas seamlessly. Also, avoid repeating the same points by ensuring each paragraph adds a new dimension to your argument.
task achievement
Use a range of sentence structures and add more variety to your vocabulary to improve clarity and comprehensiveness. This will help make your argument more compelling and engaging.
task achievement
The introduction sets the stage for discussing both sides of the argument, which is good for task accomplishment.
coherence cohesion
Using phrases like 'To commence' and 'To conclude' shows an understanding of essay structure, helping the reader follow your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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