IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some parents believe that their children should do extra-curricular activities after school. Others say in this way children are under pressure. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#parents #children #activities #school #pressure
Although
 it is often
though
Correct your spelling
thought
show examples
 that
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 ought to do extra-curricular
activities
 after
school
. Other people consider that In
this
 way children are under pressure. In my opinion, I
cosider
Correct your spelling
consider
 that curricular
activities
 after
school
 will help them to improve their skills. On the one hand, some parents think that
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 who do some extra-curricular
activities
 after
school
 will be better for them, and I agree. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other words, when
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 do some
activities
,
such
 as swimming, football or some other
activities
 that will be quite good for them and
also
 they will be busy with electronic games and replace them with
activities
 that benefit them.
For example
, If
student
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
activities
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 after
school
 they will improve their skills ;
moreover
, it will be extremely good for
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 health.
As a result
,
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 will benefit from curricular
activities
.
On the other hand
, topic is considered by some that it is better when
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 come back
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
home after
school
 because some
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 prefer to focus only on their academic subjects.
For instance
, when
student
finish
Change the verb form
finishes
show examples
school
 they want to do their homework assignment;
however
, if they do
activties
Correct your spelling
activities
 after
school
 they will do their homework assignment after they
finsh
Correct your spelling
finish
 the
activiteis
Correct your spelling
activities
 and they will sleep late ;
farthermore
Correct your spelling
furthermore
, they should be allowed to choose their own extra
activities
 as they want ;
in addition
, they depend on themselves to choose what is right for them.
Hence
, they will not be under pressure.
To sum up
,
while
 people may vary in their
opoinions
Correct your spelling
opinions
opinion
, I believe that children have the freedom to choose what they want.
Submitted by s_syedy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

improvement
Make sure to proofread your essay to correct small inaccuracies and improve clarity.
improvement
Try to fully develop each point with more detailed explanations and examples.
improvement
Work on enhancing the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs to improve coherence.
improvement
Use a variety of sentence structures to enhance readability and keep the reader engaged.
highlight
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
highlight
You provided both views on the topic, which fulfills the basic task requirements.
highlight
The essay includes some relevant points and examples.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: