IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Some parents believe that their children should do extra-curricular activities after school. Others say in this way children are under pressure. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Nowadays, it is sometimes thought that
children
Use synonyms
 ought to do extra-curricular
activities
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 after
school
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 ,
other
Correct word choice
but other
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 people believe that
children
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 are under pressure in
this
Linking Words
 way .In my opinion, I consider that it is a good choice to do extra-curricular
activities
Use synonyms
 after
school
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 for
children
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. On the one hand,
Linking Words
according to
Change preposition
apply
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some
supported
Replace the word
support
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 that
children
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 do extra-curricular
activities
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 after
school
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 because it can relax
children
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’s brains, and I agree .
In other words
Linking Words
, it is very helpful to improve
ability
Add an article
the ability
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 to learn new skills for
children
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.
For example
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,
the
Correct article usage
a
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 growing number of studies show that
children
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 are easy to get new knowledge and feel
confidence
Replace the word
confident
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 after doing extra-curricular
activities
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 .
Therefore
Linking Words
 doing extra-curricular
activities
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 is very essential for
children
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’s growth.
On the other hand
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 ,it is commonly believed that extra-curricular
activities
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leads
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lead
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children
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 to
under
Add a missing verb
be under
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 pressure .One reason is that
this
Linking Words
 way takes up
children
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’s plenty of energy. To put it simply,
children
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 should spend lots of time in extra-curricular
activities
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.
For instance
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, In China,
children
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 have to finish too much homework after
school
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. If they choose to do extra-curricular
activities
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, they will have to reduce their sleeping time to finish homework.
As a result
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, people oppose doing extra-curricular
activities
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 that
leads
Change the verb form
lead
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children
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 to feel
stressful
Replace the word
stressed
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.
To sum up
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,
while
Linking Words
 people may vary in their opinions ,I think that it is a good choice to do extra-curricular
activities
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.

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task response
The introduction presents both views, but could benefit from a clearer outline of the essay structure. Consider adding a sentence that briefly states the main points you will discuss in your essay.
task response
While you provide some good supporting points, your arguments could be elaborated further to make them more convincing. For example, you could provide more specific examples or data to reinforce your claims about the benefits of extra-curricular activities and the pressures they cause.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the variety of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of ideas. For instance, use more connectors that help to show contrast or result.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure to clarify your ideas and maintain a consistent tone. There are minor inaccuracies in grammar and punctuation which can be polished to improve clarity.
task response
The essay addresses both views effectively, showing an understanding of the topic.
task response
You present a clear personal opinion, which is well-positioned at the end of the introduction.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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