The growing number of overweight people is putting a burden on the healthcare system in an efforts to deal with the issues involved. Some people think that the best way to solve this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
obsiety
Correct your spelling
obesity
in
people
is a huge burden on
healthcare
Add an article
the healthcare
show examples
system and many
thing
Correct your spelling
think
show examples
that physical
education
in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
schools and socially, is the only solution for
this
. I completely agree with the ideas and will support my opinion in
this
esssay
Correct your spelling
essay
. Commencing the first idea, it is true that
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
is a hub of many
health
problems and
often
Add a missing verb
is often
show examples
considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a burden on
healthcare
Add an article
the healthcare
show examples
system. It
effect
Replace the word
affect
show examples
ones
Change to a genitive case
one's
show examples
health
in many ways, like it increases stroke and chances of cancer in
people
.
Also
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Also,
show examples
it causes premature
dealths
Correct your spelling
death
and
mentell
Correct your spelling
mental
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
like depression and stress in
people
.
However
combating
health
problems,
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
big
challange
Correct your spelling
challenge
challenges
for the
health
department in every nation. Each year different experiments are done to reduce
obsiety
Correct your spelling
obesity
in the public. Moving to the other idea, the experts consider that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical
education
is
only
Add an article
the only
show examples
solution to solve
this
issue. They
also
presented the suggestion that
the
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apply
show examples
educational institutes are
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
places to
taught
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
this
kind of
education
. As it has many benefits not only for the
health
department but the the
people
as well.
For instance
, physical exercises make
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
physically and mentally fit and strong. Through these
exercises
Add a comma
exercises,
show examples
one can
easilly
Correct your spelling
easily
combat diseases like cancer and strokes.
Also
, One can easily overcome their stress and depression. It
also
maintains the blood
pressue
Correct your spelling
pressure
and burns fat as well, which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
one healthy. To support the argument let's take the example of Pakistan,
who
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
was facing overweight issues, but for
past
Correct article usage
the past
show examples
3 years, the
health
care department
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
taken the initiative to make
physicial
Correct your spelling
physical
education
mandatory in the educational sectors.
Thus
,
this
step not only helped the
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
authorities but
also
helped individuals and their families in reducing their weight.
Hence
, it is proven from the above arguments that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
causes many
health
issues and poor
health
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
the residents,
is
Correct pronoun usage
which is
show examples
a huge
challange
Correct your spelling
challenge
for the government.
Therefore
, awareness of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical
education
can help
inhibitants
Correct your spelling
inhabitants
as well as
the government, because it is the only solution
that is
given by the experts.
Submitted by hadiyanasir73 on

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task achievement
Work on spelling and grammatical accuracy, as there are several errors present. For instance, words like 'obsiety' should be 'obesity,' and 'dealths' should be 'deaths.'
coherence cohesion
Improve the clarity and precision of your ideas. Some sentences are a bit difficult to follow. For example, 'many thing that physical education in the schools and socially, is the only solution for this' should be 'many think that introducing physical education lessons in schools is the best solution.'
coherence cohesion
Use more transitional phrases to improve the flow of your ideas. Words like 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' and 'Moreover' can help in this regard.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps the reader follow your main points.
task achievement
You provided a specific example to support your argument, which strengthens your essay. Mentioning Pakistan's initiative adds credibility to your points.
task achievement
You addressed the task effectively by discussing the problem of obesity and linking it to physical education in schools.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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