In the past, people stored knowledge in books. Nowadays, people store knowledge on the internet. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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Because there
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
nothing like
:
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
Drives, Cloud or any storage software in the past,
people
at that time had to
store
their
knowledge
in books to
remain
Correct your spelling
retain
show examples
and
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
pass down
those
Change the determiner
that information
show examples
information
. But in
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
day,
come
Verb problem
apply
show examples
along with
the development of technology,
people
now
store
knowledge
on the
internet
and many other software. In my opinion, the advantages of
this
improvement totally outweigh the drawbacks.             
Firstly
,
although
the technology is really modern and developed
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
errors
and mistakes are still something that can not be totally avoided. The
internet
sometimes has
errors
in its system and because the
internet
is global
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
those
errors
will annoy every
users
Change to a singular noun
user
show examples
in any region.
Moreover
, the
users
may lose stored
information
after the
errors
and
this
is quietly uncomfortable. The
internet
also
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
devices and wifi to get access to, so the
users
have to prepare a few things before using the
internet
. But these disadvantages are not worth considering when we compare them to the benefits.             There is a clear benefit that can be assumed immediately
is
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apply
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storing
knowledge
on the
internet
saves more places for the
users
than storing
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
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books.
While
people
had to write down
many
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much
show examples
information
and had to find
place
Add an article
a place
show examples
for all of their books in the past, nowadays, with the same amount of
knowledge
,
people
just need one computer or one
mobilephone
Correct your spelling
mobile phone
to
store
all that
information
.
Moreover
, the
knowledge
which is stored on the
internet
can be kept longer and more secure than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
past ways,
those
Change the determiner
that information
show examples
information
will
last
until the
internet
is broken down (
may be
Correct your spelling
maybe
show examples
forever if there are not any problems )
while
the paper can be old and torn through time.
Finally
, because
user
Fix the agreement mistake
users
show examples
can
store
information
as a file and
thay
Correct your spelling
they
can name that file,
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
finding the
knowledge
is much easier, faster and more convenient too.             
Overall
, despite having some disadvantages, the
internet
proves that it is the most useful and effective way to
store
knowledge
that we have ever known and it is a big development that we have created.
Submitted by dohuyhoang on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, several body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, you could improve the logical flow between the points you make in your body paragraphs. Try to use more transitional phrases to guide your reader from one idea to the next.
Task Achievement
While you have addressed the task prompt and provided relevant points, certain sections of your essay could benefit from more specific examples to illustrate your arguments more clearly. For instance, mentioning specific software or cloud services could enhance the relevance and strength of your points.
General Advice
There were a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases. For example, 'Because there were nothing like: Drives...' could be more clearly stated as 'Because there were no drives, cloud storage, or any other storage solutions in the past...' Careful proof-reading can help catch and correct these minor issues.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have successfully included an introduction that clearly states your opinion and a conclusion that summarizes your points, which are essential parts of a well-structured essay.
Task Achievement
Your main points are relevant to the topic and you have presented clear, comprehensive ideas overall, making your essay engaging and insightful.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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