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Writing Samples
Band 4

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes effects of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #effects #trend
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In
western
Capitalize word
Western
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 countries in the
last
 decade, the percentage of childhood obesity has grown by twenty
percent
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per cent
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. The cause of
this
phenomenom
Correct your spelling
phenomenon
 is lack of movement and poor diet. Obesity can lead to being bullied and low self-esteem,
as well as
 affecting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health. The rationale behind the lack of movement in a majority of teenagers
are
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is
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 an addiction to social media and gaming on the
wide screen
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widescreen
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 mobile phones.
Inappropirate
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Inappropriate
 change in the lifestyle of young
children
due to
 the fact that these advanced devices provide
with
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apply
show examples
exciting video games or interesting vlogs, which
requires
Correct subject-verb agreement
require
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 prolonged screen time.
For example
, most of
children
Add an article
the children
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 stay at home with electronic devices in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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England since 2010. Excessive consumption of sugary products has been
contributing
Correct article usage
a contributing
show examples
 factor to gaining weight among adolescents in some
western
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Western
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 countries,
such
 as the United States and the United Kingdom. With
convience
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convenience
 stores located
in
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on
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 almost every corner of the street, many
children
drawn
Add a missing verb
are drawn
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 to candies and chocolates, which are easily accessible to them.
For instance
,
according to
 a recent study conducted by some
Univercities
Correct your spelling
universities
 in the United States of America, sugary soft drinks
Correct word choice
and higly
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higly
Correct your spelling
highly
 flavored products main reasons for the increase in the rate of overweight
children
.
In addition
, a majority of teenagers are attracted to new technological devices ,
such
 as computers and
wide screen
Add a hyphen
wide-screen
show examples
 mobile phones, leading lack of exercise.
Consequently
, the
porportion
Correct your spelling
proportion
 of obese kids has dramatically
raised
Verb problem
risen
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 by almost 20
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Submitted by nbogey777 on

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task achievement
While your essay effectively discusses the causes and effects of childhood obesity, consider expanding your points and including a stronger conclusion to summarize your arguments. This will make your response more complete.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Some transitions can feel abrupt, so linking sentences or transitional phrases may improve coherence.
general
Ensure that the terminology used is accurate. For instance, use 'phenomenon' instead of 'phenomenom'. Attention to such details enhances your writing clarity.
task achievement
The essay addresses relevant causes and effects of childhood obesity and provides specific examples to illustrate the points made.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs are generally well-structured, with each paragraph focusing on a single idea related to the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
What to do next:
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