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Writing Samples
Band 3

Shopping is now one of the most popular types of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or a negative development?

#leisure #activity #countries #adults #development
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Shopping has become essential in our daily life,
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however
Add the comma(s)
however,
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young
Capitalize word
Young
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 adults in
this
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 generation
ar
Correct your spelling
are
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 influenced by shopping too much,and
this
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 has a negative
impact
Use synonyms
 on them ,
while
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also
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 having a positive effect.
Ther
Correct your spelling
There
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are
Change the verb form
is
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 many reasons for the abundance of shopping in our
time
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,
such
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 as the ease of shopping,excessive advertising by merchants,and
finally
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 the presence of digital stores.
For example
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, Amazon and AliExpress. And
this
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 has a positive
impact
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 because it develops the world,
in other
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words
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words,
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 it strengthens the world's economy. And it
also
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 reduces unemployment in the world.
And another
Correct word choice
Another
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 reason for the abundance of shopping is that it has become a way for an individual to have a good
time
Use synonyms
,
in other words
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, shopping has become an activity for young people and children as well.
Therefore
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this
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 can be considered as a good thing.
However
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,
this
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 can
also
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 be a negative thing
too
Rephrase
apply
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because some young people are now spending most of their
time
Use synonyms
 and money shopping. And if parents cannot control their children
this
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my
Correct your spelling
may
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 negativity affect them in the future. In the end, shopping is a very important thing in our life,and it can be a good and a bad thing at the same
time
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. But I see that
it's
Correct your spelling
its
show examples
 positive
impact
Use synonyms
 on the young people and the new generation is greater than
it's
Correct your spelling
its
show examples
 negative
impact
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by moh.alholimie on

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task achievement
To achieve a higher score, consider providing more specific examples to support your points. For instance, mention specific trends or studies related to the impact of shopping on young adults.
task achievement
Work on making your ideas more comprehensive and less repetitive. Try to include a variety of points and discuss them in depth.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by making sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. This helps in making your argument more clear and persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Clarify the transition between positive and negative impacts. Ensure you provide a balanced view in your discussion.
grammar
There are some grammatical and spelling errors that need to be corrected for better clarity and understanding.
task achievement
Good attempt at discussing both positive and negative impacts of shopping for young adults. This shows a balanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which helps in framing the discussion well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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